his star

𝐋

𝐀𝐝𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚

"I'm scared."

She is looking at me with an unreadable expression, holding my hand because I refuse to let her go.

"Of what?" Pansy whispers, repositioning herself on my bed so that she is sitting in a more comfortable position.

"I don't know." I reply, knowing very well what I'm scared of.

So many things are frightening either in a good or bad way. I think it's my heart that is speaking to me right now because it is feeling so heavy that I can't help but wonder whether there is even enough room inside my chest for it to keep beating.

People always say that you should listen to your heart, but how can I listen if it isn't able to form sentences? How should I know what it is trying to tell me when all I can feel is the weird sensation that is wandering into my stomach, causing it to feel so heavy because my heart alone didn't have enough room to carry everything.

It's not talking, it's not yelling, it isn't even whispering. Beating is all it does, swelling in size the longer I keep thinking and trying to decipher the meaning behind every beat it makes. I want to understand it, but I don't know which language to use.

"But you are not scared of Draco, right?" she asks and I immediately look at her in shock, shaking my head.

"No! No, of course I'm not."

Pansy knows that I want to say more - need to say more in order to continue the conversation we started long ago. I can't speak because I forgot how to do it. It's like someone has flipped a switch in my head as soon as I finished my last sentence and then the light went out, all the words disappearing from inside my brain and not one of the roughly seven thousand languages existing are known to me.

I'm hollow, empty even although I know that it can't be true because there is something inside my chest. It's like a batterie inside me, trying to get me to work but something is broken and needs fixing. It's my head and my mouth that won't continue working for me.

And I don't know why.

"Well, it's good that you are not scared of him." after a minute of sitting in silence, Pansy's voice starts to ring in my ears again.

"I'm not scared of him." my lips move, being able to speak again because now I think I figured it out.

Draco doesn't scare me but he does. It doesn't make sense to someone who can't experience the way my own head is communicating with me, but for me it is understandable.

"I'm not scared of him Pansy, I'm scared because of him."

My best friend is looking at me with a confused expression placed on her face.

"What do you mean, did he do something?"

A smile is now tucking at my lips, breaking the eye contact I had with Pansy to simply look at one of the four walls, not focusing on anything special because her question alone is enough to think of.

He has done so much that I can't even figure out where to begin.

I want to tell her how he is looking at me like I'm the only human being left on this world and he has no other chance than to view me in order to not go crazy because of the loneliness he would feel on his own. The way his eyes can switch from hard to soft in a matter of seconds because I showed myself to him, because I am something that has an impact on him.

I want to let her know how every time he touches me, my bones begin to fade away, turning into dust but not the kind someone is allergic to, not the kind that causes your eyes to itch as soon as it reaches them. He turns them into dust and lets me feel like I'm about to get lifted in the air, flying up but not away from him because I know he would catch me. Even if my whole being were to turn almost invisible, Draco would always catch me on a magical way.