Of love and lies

7

*Freya's POV*

Excuse me?!

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The school day went by like molasses. I fucking hate it here. Everything about this place makes me feel worse about myself. Everyone looks so happy. So willing to live. The skinny, beautiful girls, the happy boys. Everyone here is so alright with their lives. Here, take mine I don't want it.

Why can't I feel like how they look? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I have gorgeous boys on my shoulder? Oh I know why. Because I am never enough. Never pretty enough. Skinny enough. Fashionable. Funny. Smart enough. I am the epitome of ugly. For some reason, I always wonder why people look at me adorningly like other girls, then I look in the mirror and I find my answer. Why I am the ugly one. The girl that boys never want. It's funny. I want someone to love me, but others cannot love someone like me. They would be incapable of doing so. I'm plagued with the curse of being unloved. Dying alone in my own presence. But with all honesty, I have made my peace with being alone. Unloved. I would never want someone to have the burden of loving me.

What kind of person would I be by doing that?

Sitting in class with these poisonous thoughts is the only thing that keeps me grounded. The only reason why I even come anymore. I don't know many people in my classes, and I plan to keep it that way. Socializing is something I tend to avoid, not being very efficient in that field.

It's not like they want to talk to you. The small voice in my brain sneers in my head. Yeah, I know dumbass.

It's not like I'm interesting anyway.

Sighing when I hear the bell ending sixth period. Waiting until everyone's out of the room before I leave, making my way to the living hell of AP euro. Fuck, I do not want to face him right now. He makes me feel 10x more self conscious. Walking into the room, I see a few people already sitting. Sucking in my gut, I sit down fixing my clothes to hide all the imperfections from the world. From myself.

Keeping my head down, twiddling my thumbs, trying to breathe quietly, not wanting to annoy others. People file in slowly, including fuckhead 1 and 2, aka Becka and Adam. Hearing her annoying laugh makes me feel the overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry from my insecurities. Fuck, I'm pathetic.

When I see him walking through the door I feel the breath in my throat catch immediately, seeing him again. I relish in the feeling of someone wanting me, knowing it's not true. He only began talking to me because of this project. He never even looked in my direction before then. I want him to want me, but it's not like he would want the fat, quiet, bullied girl when he could have any of the girls that drool over him daily.

I can feel myself tearing up from being unwanted. Being last. Last priority. Never the first one. I keep it that way, because there's no reason to fight. Nobody to fight for. Nothing's left. All that is left, is a void. A black hole of nothingness.

"FREYA!!!!" I hear Solomon screaming at me, making me jump out of my fucking skin. I see her face beat red and she's breathing heavily. Fuck. Everyone's looking at me giggling. I quickly sit up, wipe my tears and suck it in. Putting on a convincing smile I look at her "Yes?" I say with a convincing voice. "Care to share what's on your mind that's so distracting you completely ignore me" She says with venom laced in her voice. "No ma'am I'm just tired" I rush out quickly, slumping in my chair. "Whatever" I hear her mumble, returning to roll call.

When the she-devil finishes her roll call, she dismisses us into our groups. I don't think I can face him today. He just makes me feel things that aren't real. That is a fairytale. It's not real. Never was, never will be. He could never want to be with me. He deserves the girl who reaches all of his standards, which I can't even meet.