How Long Can One Cry For?

I'm lying on my back

Staring at the ceiling

These feelings

These feelings are far too real

I wish to sleep.

To escape from this world .

Try as I might sleep does not find me.

Only darkness .

Nightmares

Every time I close my eyes I picture it.

I Picture him.

His smile

His eyes

His laugh

His dimple

His h------ I .... i can't take this!!!!!!!!

I scream and sit up in frustration.

I need to disappear.

I need my thoughts to leave me.

The pictures.

The awful yet beautiful pictures are still so vivid in my mind.

I crawl out of bed .

Tears start to gently roll down my cheeks

I'm trapped in my own body.

A body I can not escape from.

A mind that thinks too fast

A heart that feels too much

And a voice

A voice that screams out to the darkness too often

I'm Desperate now to leave this darkness.

This emptiness .

I crawl to the side of my room and open my draw

There it is.

The only thing that saves me.

I slowly take it out and examine it.

Blood is still on it since last time.

I cringe at my last encounter with it.

I drop it and desperately get back into bed.

I don't need it.

It only causes me pain.

But then again.

The physical pain is so much more comforting than this emotional pain that is ripping me from the inside out

My tears are getting heavier

The pain is getting too much

The voices in my head are mocking me

I go back to my draw and pick it up.

I raise it to my wrist.

My left wrist.

I can't do my right wrist again in fear that people will see it...

.. Will see...

...... The--the scars. ....

.....The wreck that I am. ...

...They'll send me away ...

I cry softly to myself as I take the razor

i inhale deeply,

Picture him , and slowly slice it into my left wrist.

I feel it

Feels like a thousand ants biting you

I drop the razor.

I just stare at it

Stare at the wound.

The blood.

I slowly stop my crying

And let it trickle down my wrist

The pictures have stopped

The voices have stopped

My own heart has stopped

And I think to myself

" how long can one cry for? "

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----constructive criticism would be appreciated ----