Why did I do this- again.
It almost feels like I've fallen back in time. I've been pulled under a tight blanket with wool over my eyes and I can't get out. No, I don't want to.
I haven't felt this good in a long time. I haven't felt this rush in so long. And I haven't felt this hurt in so long.
The hurt of never being who you want. The person you want. The person you need.
Yet every time I look into your eyes I lose my balance, forget my words, forget time. And for you it's nothing. Just as simple as an ordinary stranger in the street.
It's not when the symphony begins when the sun rises when the roses bloom.
For me, it's all of those things.
It's the sun's first rays on a cold winter morning. The ones that reach your cheeks. Stung by cold. The rush of cold air. The feeling of comfort under your coat, the feeling of cotton gloves against my fingertips.
Safety.
The feeling of comfort of knowing things will be okay.
Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I just want this- I want this feeling again. But I can't help feeling like I've known you forever and yet I know you don't feel the same.
I've never felt so safe yet so uncertain, so insecure so empty. I want your assurance. More than anything. I want you to see me the way I see you. To look at me and not the room, not the busy street, not the bustling people just me. To look at me. To hear me.
But maybe that's all a fantasy.
Nevertheless, I don't want to wake up. I want to drift through this dream as long as it's with you.
But a part of me is screaming. Screaming to wake up. To stop the hurt. To protect me from everything that's happened before. To not fall.
But it's too late. It's far too late.
And now I'm here staring at the time waiting for that one notification. Feeling my heart sink as every single one isn't you. Isn't the person I need.
Please need me the way I need you.
I want to give you everything. I want to give you this feeling. I want you to see me the way I do. I want you to feel the magic I feel when I write about this. I want you to know you're safe too. I want you to know I won't hurt you. To know you're safe with me too.
But most importantly I wish so badly for you to feel the way I do.
-N
