bertram x reader

A very confusing beginning where nothing really makes sense

I was sitting in my room listening to my chemical romance on full volume. Grrr. I hate my parents. They just don't understand my struggles. One time i had a stress >:( . A WHOLE STRESS. I turned off the music and turned on the tv in my room. It wasn't even a flatscreen. Grrrr. I was very angered by this as I wanted a flat screen tv. Wife swap was on. Who tf watches wife swap. Straight people that's who. Grrr I hate straight people. I changed the channel. Wife swap was on again. Tf why is wife swap on this channel too? I rapidly changed the channel. Oh god. Oh no. WIFE SWAP IS ON EVERY CHANNEL. I'M TRAPPED IN A WIFE SWAP VORTEX. SOMEONE SAVE ME. oh wait disney channel is showing Jessie. I don't like this show mostly because they're all straight probably. Grrr i hate straight people. And then he showed up. Bertram. I love Bertram. The way he enunciates the words when he says that things are too far. Ahhhh... Bertram. Suddenly i got a notification on my iphone 13X++ and checked it. I GASPED. I HAD BEEN DEMOTED AS A MOD ON ALL 32 SUBREDDITS I MODERATED . GRRRRR THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER. if only bertram was here >:(. I love Bertram. Then it occurred to me that maybe bertram was taken. MY HEART OUCH. the thought made me violently shake. It also may have been a seizure but y'know. Probably not. He and mrs kipling always seemed to have something. It hurted me in my heart to even conceptualize the idea that the puny imbecilic lizard would even touch my man. To get the idea off my mind i started scrolling through instagram. Suddenly i saw a post from mrs.kipling. I started quaking. What if its announcing that bertram and mrs kipling are in love D: I was frightened as i read the caption. Oh nevermind shes just announcing that shes a lesbian. WAIT A DARN HECK MOMENT. THAT MEANS I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH THE LUXURIOUS AND STRIKING HANDSOME BERTRAM. I love bertram. I should probably introduce myself. *blushes cutely* i-i-i-ai-o-oao-i'm not rea-rea-really-really-really good with introduction HEREHEH. I am y/n and am a 28 year old professional reddit mod. Or i guess former reddit mod. Shaking my smh my head. Im not like other girls. Because i'm not one. I weeped for several days on my bed. I wanted my hubby bertram. I WANT BERTRAM. GIVE ME MY BERTRAM. NOW NOW NOW NOW. Suddenly my mother, oprah winfrey's hair, floated into my room while reading "#girlboss" magazine. "Get out of my house kid" she said to me. "Lmao no" I said fortnite dancing on her. "Bro i'm selling you noob" she replied. "Dogwater" I replied angrylee. She looked to be upside down and made out of knockoff lego bricks currently. "Ugh you just dont get it or understand mom im just built different" i nae nae'd angrily. Suddenly my father, a literal black hole, teleported into my room. "You're new parent is are here" he telepathically communicated to my minds thinking passage. "No" i wrote on the air with a dried out sharpie. Suddenly god himself descended from the heavens with a portal gun from the hit two game valve series Portal and shot one under my feet. Suddenly i was teleported into a taxi which was speeding down the street. "Woah wtf are you my new parent?" I asked, violently spinning around like a beyblade. The masked figure who was driving the taxi didn't respond, but instead responded "ye". "Cool" I said. I then heard police sirens. I looked behind the car and it occurred to me that the car i was in was actually in a high speed police pursuit with what seemed to be every member of the police following it. Like all of them. "Huh" I thought to myself outloud as I pondered the meaning of life. The person chucked something at my head and hit me in the head and the object hit my head which caused me to be knocked out by the thing that hit my head that hit my head. I woke up back in the car. "Woa how long has it been omg" I said dizzyily. "Like a week or somethin" the person said. "Damn bro thats crazy" i shocked. "Use the weapon to shot the police" they said. I looked down and realized that the object that had been thrown at me was a nerf gun. And not just any nerf gun but a nerf rebelle crossbow. "Woah man dude these are rare" I shrieked. "Ye" they responded. I picked up the Nerf Rebelle Secrets and Spies Arrow Revolution Bow $99.99 on Amazon with free shipping and free returns and pointed it out the window, yelling my epic cool super cool awesome epic war cry "LIVE LAUGH LOVE <3". I shot it and suddenly it exploded in a big epic cool #gaslight explosion, and turned all of the police into wine mom boss babes who all started trying to sell Herbalife weight loss shakes and Lularoe leggings. That was lowkey highkey middlekey nokey terrifying. I felt a shiver go down my spine and it started doing the worm at the thought of mlm boss babes. Terrifying. Now that the entire police force wasn't trying to murderize our faces I thought it was a good time to figure out wtf was actually happening. "So, uh, wtf is actually happening rn" I questioned questioningly. "You're your you are parents sold you to me for money bro man dude fam" the person said. "Wait what why? How? That isn't how that works at all?" I questioningly questioned questioningly in a questioning manner. "Listen this is just how fanfics work now stop asking before this gets too meta >:(" the person said upside down. "Makes sense" I said sayingly... "Wait isn't that like every one direction fanfic? ARE YOU HARRY STYLES???" I said, pulling out my phone and recording myself doing a Charli D'Amelio tiktok dance on the top of the car. "Nah i'll tell you who i am when we get to my mega cool ultra awesome mansion of doom and coolness" they said. "Lit" replied me. "Wait ur y/n right" they said. "If you're a cop then no, if you aren't then yes" I said suspiciously. "Ah, good" they responded responding respondingly to my previous statement of suspicious origins "wanted to make sure I was kidnapping the right person" "Wait what?" I said. "Oh no not in a bad way, but like in a hot fanfic-y sort of way" they clarified. "Ohh like Twilight" I responded. "No clue i never read them." they said, shrugging so high that their head went inside their ribcage. "Oh" I replied, awkwardly hiding all of the Twilight books under the seat that I had been storing in my cheeks like a chipmunk. They tasted like shimmering vampires and ink poisoning. "Can we hurry this up plz" i plzed. "Aight bet imma do a pro gamer move" the masked magician said pressing a large red button labeled "pro gamer move". Suddenly the car transformed into the flying car thing from the intro of Little Einsteins, fit with the music and all. After a short flight that included an epic little einsteins karaoke session we finally reached our destination. I backflipped out of the car with excitement and broke my spine. "ZOO WEE MAMA" I said while being dead on the ground. I quickly decided that death was boring af and undied. "Istg turn around a look at my mansion or i'll beat you with a pocket bible". This threat threatened me so I did a pretty ballerina twirl and turned around. And the sight i sighted was so shocking that I literally became a furry 😱😱😱😱...