Stage 10

What is life?

I woke out of my soft sleep as I always do. My body seemed to love to wake up around 3:00 AM. Enough time to enjoy some me time, but just late enough that I knew I'd hate myself more than already I do in the morning.

I rolled by body to the opposite side of my bed. The readjustment of my limbs felt amazing. I fixed my fluffy comforter as needed, making sure it hugged every nook of my silhouette. I made sure there were no air pockets. My body would eventually generate enough heat to produce the perfect temperature.

I grabbed my phone and rolled my eyes at the time. I hopped over to my messages knowing damn well no one texted me. God, I wish I had friends. I was met with expected disappointment. Not a soul had reached out to me. That left nothing but social media to scroll.

I scrolled down Facebook hating every single post. I was met with pictures and clever captions showing off yet another accomplishment in my peers lives. I instantly compared my lives to there's. Everyone seemed to be doing so well. So happy. Then there was me. My life was shit and I had no idea how to fix it. I felt trapped.

My scrolling led me to yet another pregnancy post. The mom-to-be smiled from ear to ear, beaming with joy. She exuded her awesome feminine gift. She would be baking her legacy. A bundle of joy that would bring her such happiness she had never fathomed of. Her palm rest gently on her pronounced belly. Her skin radiated as her toasty golden complexion shined. My eyes followed the darken line that drove vertically up her abdomen. This would be her beauty mark of creating life.

My heart sunk even more. I wanted a family so bad. I was well at the age where it would be expected. However, I had no significant other. No one that wanted me to be anything more than a baby mama anyway.

My classmates seemed to be doing life right. Stable income, marriage, babies, and other lifetime achievements. What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn't I find the special one?

All of my relationships were terrible. I often longed that I would never have dated. I should have waited until college, but even that was shit. However, if I waited at least I wouldn't have accumulated so much emotional baggage from previous relationships. Or perhaps I should appreciate the lessons I learned from them. I began to become annoyed with my relentless thoughts. I always managed to make myself feel like a piece of shit. It's like my body isn't satisfied unless I do so.

I felt as if time was running out for me. I could hear the clock ticking. No way I wanted to start my family in my 30s. It's not what I envisioned for myself. I could not understand what I was doing wrong. Why couldn't it be me posting my shiny new engagement ring?

By now I figured I should at least be looking for a home. I was well past the point of wanting to deal with rent. Even though I could barely manage an apartment, it would still be something to be proud of.

Yet I laid in my mother's basement. She welcomed me with warm arms. I was so grateful that she allowed me to stay with her. It had been a while since I'd resided in my hometown. After graduating from college, which was about a hour and a half away, I just stayed in that city.

I tried my best to figure out life and independence. I felt like I needed to. It was the appropriate thing to do right? I made the mistake of trying to establish a family with my ex. We were college sweethearts I guess you could say. Met him my freshmen year. Something about his assertive personality turned me on. I expressed my interest in him, and we jumped into a relationship heading for the hills.

He'd fill my head with promises he didn't stand on. I was in love though, so I held on to every promise hoping for the best. I was eager to share an apartment with him. We practically stayed with each on campus my entire college tenure. I was so excited to share a bigger space with him, and it would be something we could finally call ours. We were going to go 50/50 on everything. That was the deal. After calculating out the rent, and the amount of money I'd be making, it would be easy to manage finances. With his 50% expenses wouldn't be shit.