Tagahanga (Cosmos Series #1)

04

Jav

tw // self- harm

"Just rest," Kalmadong sabi sa akin ng CEO ng agency namin. "Do what you want. Enjoy your life. Huwag ka na lang muna makipagsiksikan dito, Jav."

Bakit palaging ako yung kailangan mag-adjust?

"Napaka-unfair! Sabi niyo para sa akin na yung movie na 'yon. Sabi niyo tanggap ako. Sabi niyo magsisimula na yung script reading sa lunes! Naghanda na ako. Nag-impake na ako. Bakit... bakit ganito?"

Hindi siya nakasagot sa akin at tinititigan lang niya si mama na nasa gilid ko. Halata rin ang galit sa mga mata ni mama. "How about my payment—"

"We will transfer it back to your account, madam." Pinigilan niya kaagad si mama. "There's a new actor who just debuted and unexpectedly, people started loving him. He's the talk of the town right now and so the director decided to cast him,"

"Paano ako?"

"Jav," Hinawakan ni mama yung braso ko at pinakalma ako. "Why would you put him on hiatus again? Can't he just keep on auditioning?"

"He has been doing that for how many years already." Sagot niya ulit. I respect him so much kasi siya yung may-ari ng agency na 'to. Pero tangina.

Pati siya, nawawalan na ng tiwala sa akin.

"Go home now," Utos niya sa amin. "The company car wouldn't take you home. Kahit pa maglakad ka lang sa labas, hindi ka naman dudumugin ng mga tao."

Tama.

Nauna akong umuwi kaysa kay mama kasi may inasikaso pa siya don. Pagkapasok ko sa kwarto ko ay napahiga ako kaagad at doon bumuhos lahat ng luha ko.

I don't cry easily.

But this pain...

I have been keeping this for so long.

I'm so tired.

It's hard to be trapped inside a dark room. Yung tipong hindi mo alam saan yung daan papalabas.

Yung hindi mo nakikita ang bawat hakbang mo.

Hindi mo alam kung umuusad ka ba, or sadyang nananatili ka sa lugar kung saan ka naroroon dati pa lang.

Ang hirap.

"Hello, we meet again." I whispered as I held its ends. It was sharp and it was painful, yet I don't even see myself trembling as I hold it.

It creeps me how I feel so calm holding this. I couldn't even dare to look at my mother in the kitchen before while slicing the vegetables, yet here I am, proudly holding a blade . Without any fear. Without any second thoughts.

Oddly, I felt a sense of relief as soon as I felt my skin open. I used to scream in pain when I first did this, yet now I don't even feel anything anymore.

I felt my arm getting weaker and I started to lose control yet it didn't stop me from what I was doing. As soon as I felt like I've had enough already, I went near the bath tub and started filling it with water.

I didn't go inside it but instead I placed my head under the water. I know I wouldn't die by just simply doing this but a part of me wanted to believe that maybe, it could.

Minutes passed and I started feeling suffocated. Maybe...

Maybe it could.

Maybe it could kill me.

I was ready to leave everything behind.

Even her.

She's young. And through out her whole life... she dedicated everything to me. That's enough. Ayoko na.

I know I could never stop her. She would never give up on me. Kahit umalis ako. Kahit tumigil ako sa pag-aartista.

She would be there.

And perhaps... the only thing that I could do in order for her to finally let go of me...

Is to let go of myself too.

I kept my head underwater as I think of those thoughts. I've been closing my eyes, wishing that my lungs would stop working too.

Suddenly, I felt someone grab my hair and it made me get up. I was finally able to breathe again.

I knew it was her. I knew she would confront me again and say harsh words again.

I know she would call me weak again. I know she would slap me again and tell me to try again.

I know what you will do, mom.

However, I came to my senses when I realized who was infront of me.

She was crying. Trembling. She didn't know what to do.

"Why would you do that?" She asked. Her voice was shaking. She was scared to go near me.

I hugged her and caressed her hair. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry,"

"You always do that,"

"I'm sorry,"

"How about me then?"

I'm sorry.

She hugged me tighter. I could feel her tears flowing down my shirt. I didn't know how to make her calm down. "Would you do that again?"

"I don't know. I don't know," I cried.

She wiped her tears and looked at me so seriously. She held my face and wiped my tears using her thumb. "If you would, then please take me with you, kuya."

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If you or someone you know might be at risk of suicide, these 24/7 hotlines provide mental health crisis intervention:

- National Center for Mental Health
0917-899-8727 (USAP)
7989-8727 (USAP)

- Hopeline
0917-558-4673
0918-873-4673
8804-4673
2919 (toll-free for Globe and TM)

“If you’re looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.”

- 💌.