When I was growing up my eyes
Used to glimmer to the stories
My grandmother would tell me
About that amazing thing she called love;
How someone in your life
Would be by your side no matter
How hard things got,
And when you'd turn around their
Hand would be next to yours;
But when I turned my gaze back
To the house I lived, the love
I saw, the love I felt, it was colder
And darker than in her stories.
Love meant yelling and throwing objects,
Love meant seeing him hurt her behind
Closed curtains,
Love meant seeing your mother
In a dark corner crying as if you
Couldn't hear, about how he's left
Her behind again; even though the
House was quiet and calm.
It's growing around poison
Only to barely make it to
Childhood, before someone else
Stepped in to pick up the slack that
He was missing while away,
Yet this time it was directly
Towards yourself.
Someone you used to smile
With in the backyard riding
Your bicycle, as if the man
Back home was just a distant memory.
And before you knew it
You'd be your mother behind that
Closed door,
But as a child locked in a space
That held so too many secrets
To cry about;
Somewhere he could corner you
And promise not to cause harm
In return for your silence.
This space where your hand outreached
To a locked door, on the other end
Hearing your brother crying as to
Why you were ignoring him
Because he felt scared without you.
A love where you curve inwards yourself
And he says he's doing it
Because he cares.
A love where you're screaming inside
For someone to save you,
Love where that closed door lasted
Days, to weeks, to years;
Until one day you were older,
And that love he showed you
Vanished behind the other side
Of that door you reached for,
Because he grew bored of your
Submission, and you were
Just "too old for him."
The type of love that kills you inside;
Love that was nothing but a smokescreen
Of lies and pain.
One where it shows you that
That the definition of love meant
Someone using you,
One where he takes no matter how
Badly it hurts; Convincing you
That the pain is because he loves you.
Those three words burned into the
Mind of a child who believed
Only the best in the world,
Like in her favorite stories;
Even if it meant you couldn't
See the world in those rose colored glasses
Anymore, and everything around you
Had turned to dark....
Love is growing up in a shell of agony
And believing that you
Were only worth something if you
Gave them what they wanted.
If you kept your mouth shut and let it happen.
Love is battling the darkness that
Poisoned your heart from an early age;
Love is clinging to anyone that would
Show you the soft side of affection.
It's loving them with everything you had
Even when they push you around
And put you down.
Love is smiling through their pain
And pretending you were happy,
Even though every new man
That took the place of the one before him
Was just as cruel;
Because that's what love was to her;
Love was the pain,
It was the fear;
The sadness that had corrupted
Her beautiful childlike
Optimism from her grandmothers
Glamorous stories....
It's turning around to pick up the pieces
That the one before him broke;
Always searching for one or another,
But realizing that some weren't there
To be found,
Because there were too many fragments
Smashed into the concrete to put
Back together.
It's growing to fear those words,
Desensitizing yourself in order
To brace for the coming pain;
Losing the ability to feel emotion,
One where your tears have dried up,
And she's walking around with
A plastic smile to hide
The numbness that had overtaken
Her empty heart.
So when I heard you tell me
That you loved me, it only
Bounced off that carved out hole
Of a organ that once used to beat.
The words had grown to meaning
That of dirt;
Useless and a waste of time.
It made me her feel nothing,
Even if he showed her what
Love truly meant;
Even around every corner
When his touch was kind and gentle,
Where if she broke something he didn't yell.
A love where if he showered her with
Nothing but light and it wasn't returned,
He was patient.
A love filled with smiles when she would
Cook or hold his favorite cat,
A love where it meant safe,
A place with no closed doors
Behind a pair of curtains,
A place where parts of broken pieces
That had been lost throughout the years
Began to materialize...
And heal.
