Alive Again

Chapter 1 : A new start

Slash! Small drop of blood accelerated to the surface of my skin. The blade I held on my right hand made its way to my left wrist repeatedly. It hurts. It hurts so bad. My vision were blinded by my overflowing tears. My chest feels like it carried a thousand rocks, I could barely breathe. My mind were blank, I couldn't think straight. All I knew is that I deserve it. I deserve the pain I was feeling. I was breathing heavily, small whimpers and cry escaped my sand dried lips.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's getting bad again. Why must it always be like this? The water were icy cold as I lay there, motionlessly staring at the same white bathroom ceiling. The once clear water, now dyed red by my blood. I straggly took deep and long breathes through my mouth, hoping it would help. But nothing works. Tears continue to flow down my cheeks making it harder and harder to breathe. My heavy chest didn't do any good. It hurts every where, my wrist, my body, my heart. I want to end it all. I want disappeared.

I slowly slide my body down the bloodstained bathtub. My head were slightly on the surface of the water, slowly sinking down until I was completely under it. People said that your life flash before your eyes when you're on the verge of death, they aren't wrong. Millions of things run through my mind in that moment. Memories of him flashes through my mind as clear as the daylight. I couldn't breathe. My consciousness were fading. Haru, I'm sorry I wasn't able to keep my promise. I'll see you soon....

"Aimi..?"
A familiar voice call out to me. "Aimi." I slowly open my eyes as it take a ray of sunlight beaming through the car window and without a doubt, I was the my mum's car. My eyelids were still heavy from the hibernation.
"Aimi, we're almost there." My mum said, her eyes grow dark as she looked at me through the rear view mirror. It's that dream again. The memory of what happen three years ago still hunts me till this day.

"Aimi are you alright? How are you feeling?" There was nothing but concern in her voice, her dark eyes grow even darker.
"I'm fine mum, don't worry." I clear my throat before answering. We both knows that I'm lying, which is why her eyes were still fixed on me.
"Going to grandma place can be a good start for you." Then she sigh deeply through her nose. "Try to make new friends Aimi."

She knows exactly what I'm thinking. Her hands clamped on the steering wheel, focusing on the road this time.
"Alright I'll try." I said bluntly, those were just empty words.
"Grandma said she's so happy that you're going to live with her." She smile softly. Trying her best to change the subject. "Remember the reason why you're going there. Take that opportunity to heal from everything that you've been through. Talk to people. Make new friends. Remember that I'm always with you no matter what."

I gave her a small nod as a token of gratitude. Her words are always comforting. She suggested that I should go and stay with my grandma for while, maybe that'll help me get my mind off things. I didn't know if I liked the idea or not. Either way, I didn't care. It doesn't matter where I stay or live, everything will be the same. Nothing will change. The wound inside my heart will never heal. I turn my head, staring at the dotted surrounding, the landscape were getting closer and closer. We're almost there.

I visited my grandma a lot when I was little. The town was familiar. The nostalgic feeling return to me once again as I stared at my grandma, standing in front of her old fashioned but comfy house. She always does that. Every time we came over, she was always there, waiting for us. The car shock a little as we pulled in front of her house. Mum parked her car swiftly in front the house, turning the engine off- making the everything goes silent.

"Go on Aimi." She said.
I did as told and went to pick up my suitcase at the back.
"Aimi, remember what I said. You're still young, there's always time for you. You will meet new people and those people will change your world. One day, there will be people who will fight for you. Who will love you with every beats of their heart.... " She said suddenly, her voice low. Her eyes turn glassy, for a second I thought she was going to cry. I didn't know what to say.
"Thanks mum." Is all I manage to say before getting out of the car.

I stomped towards grandma as I luged my heavy suitcase.
"Hello grandma." I greeted her.
"Aimi..." She said. Her eyes were the same as mum's- filled with love and concern. Then, she pull me closer to her and gave me a small hug. I was caught off guard by her action, but quickly hugged her back.

"Go inside Aimi. I'd like to talk with your mum for a bit." She said while giving me a small smile. What are they going to talk about, I wonder. I shake the thought off my head and did as she told, and walked inside. The house was still the same, outside and inside. The floor was covered by light beige color tatami. The tall lamp that stood at the corner, the same black table at the center of the room, surrounded by four pillow seat. On the wall were photographs of her and her deceased husband.

There are two room in the house. The left was grandma's, which means the right was mine. I slide the door open and walked inside. It was a plain traditional room with a white futon in the middle and a desk at the corner of the room. I sigh deeply as I lay my luggage down. I drop on my back, staring blankly at the ceiling. How exactly am I feeling? I don't know. I don't feel...anything. It's like there a hole in my heart. Parts of me are missing. Nothing's fun anymore. I don't want to do anything. I just want to disappear.

"Aimi!!" My grandma voice called out, snapping me back into reality.
"Yes grandma."
"Come here." She said.
I slid the door open and walked outside. Grandma was sitting on the floor and I made my way up to her.
"Are you hungry?" She asked.
I shake my head, having no appetite whatsoever.
"Your mum told me about what happen to Haru..." Her once placid eyes, grew rather dim. "Not like I didn't know...it's just tragic." She looked down on the floor. "Poor thing. He was such a nice boy."
Then she turn her gaze up at me. She remain silent as she looked into my lifeless eyes. Eyes that lose its luster, deadness is all there is in it. Crying was out of question. I feel nothing anymore.
"Aimi...." Her voice was low as she reach out and held my hand softy.
"It's fine grandma." I reassured her, forcing myself to smile. "I'll help you with dinner."
"Thank you sweetheart." Grandma said and smile.

That night I helped her make dinner. We ate and I was inform that school will start in a week. Which means I have one free week. It will be a week of hell. I'll try to keep myself busy. At least it'll help me not to think too much. I excuse myself to my room. I lay on my bed, shutting my eyes tightly. A thousand endless thoughts run through my mind like cars racing toward its goal. My dear friend ; insomnia visited that night, just like every other night. I feel tired but I couldn't sleep. All I can do is get through the night and wait for morning to come.