Ambivalence

Főúŕ

   I was writing in my diary one day, not knowing what to put. I had loads of words, but I didn't know how to say them. The only way I could open up my brain was around you. And that's what made me come to your house.

   I remember coming in through your door, and seeing a woman sitting at your counter, reading Romeo and Juliet. One of your favorites. You had told me no one knew, and therefore it was a secret. You said you loved the thrill of love, but not where it takes you. You said you enjoyed feeling unstoppable, but if you couldn't live without someone, then you wouldn't get close to them. I was heartbroken but knew better.

   The woman had introduced herself as Jordan. She said she was your wife. Your wife, that you hadn't told me anything about. Your wife, that wasn't in your life until now. Your wife, who had given birth to you daughter. She said that she appreciated me keeping you in line, and giving her daughter something to cherish forever. She ended up saying words I will never forget.

   "We are moving back to New York"

   I shouldn't have been surprised. I was only a young girl, while you had a whole family. You had a whole life without me. You didn't need me. You didn't need a barrier, a virgin who wasn't, and will never be a supermodel like this woman. You didn't need someone to hold you down, and wait until after college to settle. You didn't need me.

   I ran out of your house crying, and went to the place we met. The auditorium at the school. I hadn't noticed I was playing until I had touched the bow to the strings. I remember you coming out of the shadows, and asking to dance one last time. I remember you holding my hand while I layed my head on your chest. I remember you humming, trying to keep me calm.

   The last thing I remember was holding me breathe, trying not to show I was hurt. When really, I was dying inside. You were my everything. I hadn't had the best life until you came and took the pain away. You made me whole, a new person. You made me who I am today, and I'll always be yours.

   I still recall you telling me something that broke me into a million pieces still to this day. "Forgive me, Valen. I know you don't understand, but I've had the most wonderful months of my life here. You are my joy, my own wife couldn't compare to the things you have made me feel. It's just not us. We can't live like this. You have your whole life planned out, and you have a whole career lined up. I promise you that I hate myself for leaving you so soon. You are meant to do amazing things with your life. You are my sun, moon, stars, you are my universe. You will never know how much you mean to me. You are inferable, words can't describe how you make me feel each and everyday, but I need you to know. Never give up on your dreams, I can see you now, making a difference in so many peoples lives. We are meant for each other, but not in this life" you said as you kissed my forehead.

   I would say it's cliche, but I felt butterflies. I never knew how much I needed you until you walked away.

   "Ezra! Ezra! Please don't leave me! Please!" I called as you continued walking. Your words struck my harder then my parents had ever.

   "We are meant for each other, but not in this life" I tuned out my sobs.

   I had went home to lay in my bed, and stare at the ceiling hoping you would come back for me, and tell me it was all a dream. But you never showed.

   The next day I had went to your house, to notices everting was gone. Not even a trace. It was like you disappeared, in which you did. But you never disappeared from my mind.

   I still remember your calming voice, our dances we did at 1 am, the way you held my hand, when we would go get food because we were bored, how you hummed and told me everything was going to be okay when it wasn't, and most of all, how you loved me when I couldn't love myself.

   I will never forget Ezra Scott, you were my light, in my dark, dark world. You never let me go, and you loved me for who I am and was. You shown me that no matter what I do, I can always come back to you, until I couldn't.

Hold tight onto the ones you love, because one day they will be gone. Don't forget to tell them you love them, so they never forget it, and if you love them, never let them slip out of your fingers, because they can and will never come back. You never know how much you need someone until they're gone.

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