I always knew I would die.
Lahat naman tayo mamatay, pero I get this feeling everyday that each time I wake up, the thought of dying would eventually caught up my mind for the whole day.
Hindi ko alam kong bakit, but one thing I was sure of is that maybe I'll die young.
17 years old palang ako ngayon pero eto na agad sumasagi sa isipan ko. It's just that I would always get the feeling of dying, maybe soon or next year siguro, i don't know.
Wala naman akong sakit, I am not depressed nor suicidal to have a reason of dying. Pero you know it's just that it feels like the universe was telling me to believe that I am running out of time here on earth. Na para bang nalalapit na ang pagsapit ng araw na mamatay ako.
It affects how I feel and how I act into things since then. Kunwari araw-araw maaga na akong nagigising para magkape, taking a walk sa park o hindi kaya mag jogging. I would help my mama clean the house, doing household chores, at ginagawa mga school works ko. Nakikipag bonding rin ako madalas sa mga friends ko, inaaya ko pa nga silang gumala which is very unusual of me kasi hindi naman talaga ako ganito. and I would always put a genuine smile on my face now, pure and innocent hindi katulad noon na halos hindi maipinta ang muka.
My mom told me that I changed a lot, as in a LOT. Siya nga siguro yung pinakamasaya ng narealize niyang nagbago na ako. Eh kase naman dati, isa akong spoiled brat, maldita, hindi marunong rumespeto sa mga nakakatanda, palaging nakasimangot, and all the possible negative things they could describe or say about me. Pero ngayon para na akong isang anghel na nahulog galing sa langit at gumawa ng milagro, which is really the total opposite of what I truly was before.
My mother once asked me bakit daw, ano daw ang nakain ko kung bakit naisipan kong magbago and I replied "Wala lang, trip ko lang ma." She laughed at me saying " I'm thankful to God na sinagot niya ang mga panalangin ko, ang magbago ka. Keep it up anak I'm proud of you." And with that I lost in my world for a little while.
It hurts me to the core na maiiwan ko ang nanay ko, pamilya ko, ang mga friends ko dito. I never have told her the true reason kung bakit ako naging ganito. It would look weird naman siguro diba pag sinabi ko sa kanyang mamatay na ako. Baka kung ano na naman ang gawin niya.
Naiisip ko lang na if ever mawawala na talaga ako sa mundo, makabawi man lang ako sa mga masasamang nagawa ko.
I am slowly taking an action on repenting for my sins and yeah, I was glad that I choose to be like this even for the last time.
Gumawa ako ng bucket list, yung mga listahan ng mga bagay na gusto kong gawin bago ka mamatay.
It may sounds weird pero this is what I truly feel. Hindi ko alam eh, there is just one time na naisip ko na lang na nauubusan na ako ng oras and that I would die soon enough before I realize it.
I am slowly accepting my reality mamatay na talaga ako sa susunod.
One of the things I truly wanted to do before I die was to go back to God. I am not really a religous person kahit na halos buong pamilya ko eh napaka relihiyoso.
I never once consider God as my everything, and that he would provide for me, stays with me and the one who loves me unconditionally.
Kaya bukas sasama ako sa pinsan ko magsisimba. Choir din siya dun kaya inie-encourage niya ako sumali sa choir group nila. I am not confident enough para sumali eh hindi naman ako magaling kumanta baka pagtawanan lang ako dun. Pero I'll still try sabi niya kasi na marami pa daw mga positions akong maaring pagsalihan. And I say I would give it a go, this is an opportunity for me to be closer to God, to know him deeply, and to have a chance to serve at his church.
"Yre bumaba ka nga muna dito tulungan mo kong magpaligo kay Loki" sigaw ni mama galing sa baba, si Loki pusa namin.
"Saglit lang magbibihis pa ako" sigaw ko pabalik.
