When Her Color Fades

Hey, Bulldog

I had a love/hate relationship with school since day one. My first day of school is a blur in my mind and has been since that day ended. I don't remember what all happened, but I remember being a nervous wreck. I imagine most kids felt the same way, or worse than that. I remember a lot of kids screaming and crying to go home, or latching onto their parents begging them to not leave them there. I know it wasn't too rough for me though because I had already been in daycare before and it was pretty similar, so I wasn't losing my mind over being left there all day. The only other detail I remember was that the food sucked and I hated it. I was a picky eater, so school food was never something I looked forward to. Give me my grandma's cooking, please?

Most kids' favorite part of the school day was either recess or lunch time, but mine wasn't. I loved P.E. and it was my favorite part of school. I was a very active child, and loved any kind of physical activity, especially running. I was pretty proud of how fast I could run, and loved to show off my speed any chance that I got. Everyone hated doing laps around the gym every day before we got into the games, but not me. I loved running around and listening to music because it was something I did at home all the time, and it was something that didn't involve teams or playing with others. Any type of activity that required working in a team was my worst nightmare. I was always picked last, ignored, or skipped over for everything. I didn't understand it because I was one of the best people they had for anything that was done in P.E. I came out top dog in almost everything because I put my all into it and it was fun for me, but because I was the weird ugly girl no one wanted me around. Nevermind the fact that I was the hardest kicker when it was time for kickball, one of the fastest runners when it was race time, or that I could hula hoop on one leg while spinning around and keep that thing up longer than was asked for. Other kids got cheered on and congratulated when they won anything, and I got scoffed at and side-eyed whenever I won. It hurt my feelings a lot, but I didn't let anyone see that. I kept going, kept giving my all, and destroyed everyone I went up against.

Teamwork in the classroom was another thing I absolutely dreaded. I've always considered myself to be a pretty intelligent person, even as a young child. I was ahead of where I was supposed to be in my reading level, always made good grades, and did really well on projects. No one ever wanted to work with me though, and whenever I was forced to be in a group with everyone they made no effort to include me. You'd think that people would want the smart kid in their group to either copy off of or to get help from them so that they can do well. Not the case in my school. Everyone hated it when I was in their group because I wasn't their friend, and I always ended up doing the whole thing on my own off to the side. I always ended up doing a better job than my group anyways, so it was ok. It did hurt my feelings though because I wanted to make friends and be included, but no one would give me the chance.

School became harder and harder as time passed. Academically I was doing great and the work came easy for me. It was the making friends part that was hard as fuck. I started getting bullied shortly after my first day by most of the kids in my class. There were a few that were nice to me, but most of them were very hateful. I got picked on because of my clothes, hair, and my glasses. I had to wear glasses because I have a problem with my right eye crossing. It started whenever I was around 2 years old and I have had it ever since. Glasses helped control the problem and kept my eye from crossing. It would still cross as soon as the glasses came off, but helped tremendously during the day when I needed them. Kids don't think about that though nor do they care when they find out. All they saw was a dork wearing big ugly glasses, and made sure to point it out to everyone. I was well behaved, well mannered, and very respectful toward adults and anyone that treated me with respect. I was the perfect student, but I hated being at school. The relentless bullying was too hard to bear sometimes, but I pushed through it because I wanted to do well and wanted to make my Memaw proud of me. I never let her or anyone else in on the bullying because I was embarrassed and I didnt want them to worry. My family never had a clue and I wanted it to stay that way. I was worried that if I told them it could make things worse for me, and I would get bullied even harder. Looking back on it, it was a dumb choice to make, but I didnt know any better. Maybe had I said something it would have stopped a lot sooner than it did.