When Her Color Fades

She Bop

I learned a lot in primary school, and was very smart for my age. One thing that I never expected or planned to learn about at the ripe age of 7 years old was sex, porn, and masturbation. I also never expected it to impact my life the way it did, and I truly wish I had not learned about it so early. That sounds horrible, but I promise it wasnt learned in any kind of forced or nefarious way. I'll get to why I wish I hadn't soon, but an explanation of how this all was discovered comes first.

I was on the playground one day and hanging out with a group of girls on some of the playground equipment. It was loud, chaotic, and everyone was talking about random things. I don't know how I managed to stay in this group without being kicked out or harassed. I remember waiting for it to happen, but it never did. All of a sudden one of the girls spoke up and told us she had something to tell everyone but they had to be quiet. Everyone calmed down, and she told us very quietly that she had discovered a cool website on her computer at her house. This was back in 1998, so not everyone had a computer or knew how to use one. Some of the kids got up and left because they didn't care about something they had no access to. She told everyone to get in real close so they could hear her because she had to be quiet about it. The girl said it was a big secret and we couldn't tell the adults or teachers about it. She leaned in and said "s-e-x.com". I remember a couple of kids were confused and asked her what it was, so she explained the best that she could. She told us that it's a cool website and it has lots of naked people on it. She explained that you could see their "pee pees" and "tatas" and you could see their naked butts too. We all giggled and thought it was funny, but it piqued my interest. So much so, that I went home that day with it still fresh on my mind, and looked it up on our computer while everyone was outside.

My mom had already had a computer for a couple of years at this point and I had learned how to navigate one pretty well. Smart as fuck, remember? So, I typed www.sex.com into the address bar after the long and grueling process of connecting to the internet. At first, it made me giggle seeing all of the naked people on the screen. The only people I had seen naked at that point outside of myself was my mom and sister, so I had a good laugh for a minute or 2. I browsed around the website for a bit looking through pictures, and discovered the video section of the website. I peeked out of the window to make sure everyone was still outside, did a quick sweep of the house, turned the volume down on the computer, and started looking at the videos I had found. Before this point I had no idea what sex was, but after this discovery I knew that I liked it and I liked it A LOT. I didn't know why, but it gave me a funny feeling that I had never experienced before. I couldn't really explain it, but my downstairs region started to tingle and I liked it. After a bit of exploring that happened over the next several days I had learned how to "one, two, hoobdee doo" myself. That's where things really started to head south for me and things got bad looking back on it. At the time it didn't seem like a big deal, but I was doing this every single day at least five to ten times a day. I became addicted to porn and to the downstairs fiddle diddle at 7 years old. I had learned how to clear history on our computer so that no one would find out what I was doing and figured out times to do it where I wouldn't get caught by anyone. I planned my days out around it, and thought about it constantly. It was very quickly taking over my life.

By the time I had got to 2nd grade, I had learned a new trick that helped me with my addiction. This is going to be TMI, as if there wasn't enough already, so I'm sorry in advance for the visual. I've got an outie downstairs because...genetics. It protrudes quite a bit more than a normal person would, and this helped me a lot. I discovered that I could perform the lonely basement tango using only my thighs. All I had to do was squeeze my thighs together repeatedly, which would squeeze the meat curtains, and it would get the job done. I still did it in secret behind closed doors for a good while there, but my addiction had gotten so bad that I began to do it in public and in front of people. I had a good poker face, so I was confident that I wouldn't get caught doing this. I would do it with people around and no one had a clue what was happening. They just assumed I was nervous or jittery because I was moving my legs a lot. I was a nervous and jittery child so it wasn't too far off, but they were very wrong. I started doing it in the middle of class at school, in the bathroom at school, and sometimes I would do it while waiting for my ride to go home. This happened almost every single day and since no one ever noticed or said anything I just kept doing it. My thighs would be sore and bruised, but it didn't stop me. Sometimes the pain made it more enjoyable and added a little pizazz to it. I remember a few times where the need to do it was so bad that I just started doing my thigh trick right in the middle of the living room in front of my family. Luckily, no one ever noticed, asked, or picked up on anything. If they had I know I would have got my ass tore up and had a really long talk with everyone about what I was doing. Wouldn't have stopped me at all or changed my behavior in the slightest though.

I thought about these things all day long. As soon as I woke up in the morning I'd do my thing, and then I would get ready for school. If it was the weekend the same thing would happen, but it would last for a long while until I was ready to get out of bed. It popped in my head while I was in school, and if it was bad enough I would take care of the problem right there at my desk. It made concentrating difficult at times, but I somehow managed to stay a straight A student and complete all my work. I would get home from school and if the urge was too bad that day I would immediately unhook the phone line, pop it into the computer, and do my business. If I wasn't able to use the computer I would just go to the bathroom and do the job with my thoughts. I ended up finding my grandpa's porn magazines that he kept hidden in his huge stack of car magazines beside his bed. Those would get used if the internet was down or I just wasn't feeling like using the computer. I'd always do it when he was gone and made sure to put it back exactly where I had found it. I'd play outside, play video games, eat, and hangout for a while until the urge hit me again. I would take care of the issue wherever I saw fit, and went back to what I was doing. Bedtime rolled around and I repeated the process a few times until I couldn't handle the soreness anymore and passed out from pure exhaustion.

This problem had reached its peak in 2nd grade and plateaued there. It didn't get any worse, but also didn't get better. At least, it didn't get better for a very long time. This ritual continued every single day for years and years. My addiction to these things lasted until I started dating my husband at 20 years old. It also caused other issues in my life, and branched out into another addiction later on. I am just glad that I was able to kick these addictions and didn't plan my whole life around them anymore. I no longer NEED to do those things and haven't in a very long time. It doesn't drive me crazy anymore when I go without porn or the lonely activites it was coupled with.