Lost Of Hopes

Confessions are brutal and so is life. We try to make the right choices but sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the most foolish or most beneficial things. My name is Tineria Lopez. I am twenty years old, I have two sons named Ruby and Josh, and am pregnant with another child named Alicia. Unemployed and sad to say I am in a very abusive relationship. My husband's name is Zack Milton. Honestly, there's no way out of being his wife. I won't even try to even bring the word divorce to him. I have multiple bruises on my skin. Whenever I visit the doctor, she would always encourage me to divorce him or run away. Little did she know he had trackers all over my stuff and he would never let me have friends or even go to the bathroom alone. I am tagged by his gang, I can't run away they would find me the second I try to leave. He treats me like a dog or a maid. I just cook, clean, and eat leftovers. I don't deserve this at all. I dropped out of school because of my first pregnancy, Zack didn't think it was his, and I had to do a DNA test. Even after the proof he still didn't believe it, but still wanted our relationship to continue. I agreed with him but after months he was changing, I got pregnant with my second child the same year and he was still going on and on about the baby not being his. The night before my birthday Zack and I were having an argument and he got really angry and punched me in my eye when he realized what happened he begged me not to call the police and I decided not to. After months and months, he would abuse me and we argued a lot. I finally got time to visit the doctor about Ruben, I was informed that I lost the baby and I should tell if my relationship was abusive of course I said no I couldn't handle any more drama in my life. When I got home from the Doctor's Office I realized that a lot of blood was in my underwear. I quickly called Zack but he was drunk as usual so I had to walk to the hospital, on the way rain started falling. I lost all my hope at that moment. I sat in the rain and cried for over three hours. Many cars splashed water on me, but I didn't care I had nothing to live for. I am just turning twenty and I am already a mother of three and I lost a baby. I am in a very abusive relationship, hoping for good. I doubt there is any good for me, I wasted my time on this boy. I can't get a job, I can't live my life at all. Life to me is a dump or sewage. It doesn't make sense, even if I try to change it I know it will never change. Tears fall from my eyes and I feel clustered. I need freedom, I need justice, I don't deserve this, when will life be happier, when will life make sense to me. I am trying to make a change now but every effort for a step ahead I step five times back. Zack is a breakdown, he brings a pause in my life. He was so kind and loving but now he is the walking devil. What type of love is this? Zack and I have been together for over four years now and he only told me he loved me once he never described me as beautiful either. I am just known as the junky and foolish girl who fell for his tricks, sometimes I am but loving and caring also, where is Zack to see this, he is just all up in the beers and the trips with the boys. I want to have friends but Zack told me friends are germs and I wouldn't find the time to clean them off. He bought a notebook and a pen and told me to write all the things that I would tell a friend. It helped a bit, that is the only thing Zack did to me and it makes full sense I need a break from him as if that's possible. This is not life. I am not living. I will not survive in this I have thoughts of a psychopath, thinking if I should kill myself or not. Prayers should help but I pray now and then but it still doesn't work. My life is still a crappy mess. No one cares about me, not even myself. I need a new life, savory I beg for but it still doesn't happen. I am done hoping for good because all I get is more bad things. Time to leave this world, I GIVE UP.