Always and forever

Story of my life

Since I can remember myself, I used to sing. I loved singing. I loved that unique feeling of completeness that used to take over me whenever I felt the rhythm running through my veins.

The very first moment that I held an object and pretended it was a microphone while singing my first song I knew it. That's what I had to do in my life. Sing until there's no voice left inside me.

That's what I swore I would do. No matter what. I promised to myself that I would do anything to make my dream come true: sing in front of thousands of people. Sharing all my feelings with them. Letting them know who I really am.

And I did. I chased my dream so hard. I got lost in my effort, but I didn't even care. I knew that was my destiny. I knew I was meant to do this, sing and don't care about anything else.

I went through difficulties, problems, restrictions, obstacles. And despite my young age I felt pain and rejection. I felt like I wasn't worth it. Like my dream wasn't worth it. Sometimes I thought about giving up. Stop trying. Focus on something more useful, for example science or maths or psychology maybe.

But even if I managed to become successful on something like that I know, I'm sure that I wouldn't be happy. I would have never been able to feel the way I feel when I let music take over me. Because music is my therapy. My guidance through the dark.

And that's when I gathered strength, courage, faith. My dream was waiting for me. I wouldn't waste any more time.

And finally I made it. I made it! I had the chance to prove my talent, express my true and deepest feelings, show everyone how much music had always meant to me. I couldn't be more happy.

And then in a blink of an eye I had everything. Everything I had always wished for. Music, true friends, people who appreciated what I did, people who actually loved me.

I could have never imagined in my life that someone would believe in me like this. That seeing me on the street would make someone's life. That I would make someone that happy. This was beyond my expectations and my wishes. I kept thinking that I was blessed and I felt the need to express my gratitude to all those people who supported me and my friends in this crazy trip.

And I will always feel that need, no matter what.

But at some point I felt something really strange. I tried to push it away. I tried to forget it, move on. My life was perfect. Why blow this all up?

But that feeling of not being able to breathe kept getting stronger everyday. It made me sick. I hated it. I didn't know what to do. I kept telling myself "This is your life. This is what you wished for. This is what you need."

But no. This wasn't what I needed. This wasn't the life that I wanted. And definitely this wasn't my dream.

My dream has always been one. Sing.

Express my feelings through music. Discover a new world where the only thing that matters is music. Find myself.

I was supposed to find myself. Not lose him. I was supposed to become stronger. And I did. That's where all these people helped. They showed me what it's like to be loved, appreciated, supported. They believed in me. They became my second family.

But along with those feelings, happy feelings, others came too. What If I'm not good enough? What if I have to do more? What If all this ends tomorrow? What will I do then?

I did my best to push away all those feelings and concentrate on the thing that is important to me. Music. Only music.

But I couldn't make it. People kept pushing me. Not those who loved me or those who have always been by my side. Other people that didn't care about me at all. They only cared about their careers and money. They kept asking me all these questions about the future. Questions that their answers have never crossed my mind. I felt trapped. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't help it. Everything moved too fast.

At some point I decided I couldn't do this anymore. This is why I made this decision. I need to stop...

I'm beyond grateful for everything I was given. I'm beyond grateful for all the love and support. I'm beyond grateful for achieving my goal and making my dream come true.

I will never forget anything. I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all the the things that they've done for me all these 5 years. I will never be able to forget you or the love that I got. Thank you for all the memories. I will always love you.

The story of my life.
-Zain Javadd Malik.