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chapter 1

I spend almost all of my time alone, aways have. I clip my curled hair back with two pins so my hair stays in place. I slide my favorite pair off high heeled boots on and head out the door. On the drive to the church I remember when I was in the first grade I fell of the playground and busted the back of my head open. Nobody ever came to get me, the school nurse called my mom multiple times but she never answered but what made me feel worse than I already was when I found out she never called back to find out if I was okay. Because my head wasn't stitched up their is a scar on the back of my head that is only visible if I have my hair up. I loved my mom but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that's she's family, by blood anyways or maybe I feel entitled because nobody's ever loved her. But when I think of family, she's the last thought I have.

I stare at the ground that my mother will be resting in, permanently. It's my turn to say my goodbyes to the woman some might call my mother. I walk up towards the podium and look around at a crowd of people I have never seen in my life. I think people come to funerals thinking it will make them feel better about themselves to see others suffer. I never cared enough to make a speech so I guess I'm going in blind. "Uhh-" I clear my throat. "Sometimes, most of the time she never came come. And if you knew her- I'm sorry, she never made me a Halloween costume or let me take a dance class, not even once did we bake cookies." I look toward a woman in a purple dress comforting the crying baby in her hands.  Before I could think I say "Too remember the good memories with my mother was a lot harder than bad memories those bad memories are the ones you seem to remember, they just- stick with you forever. She really was a sick bastard, a bitch." I stoped myself as soon as I recognized the words coming out of my mouth. I covered my mouth I was 6 years old when I would sit on the couch with her to check if she was still breathing.I back away from the people who look disappointed but more disgusted with me by my speech. I'm not entirely sure what I said but I don't care if these people hate me or think I'm weird, I'll be leaving right after this funeral. I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm not sad and I don't feel bad or guilty for not feeling sad. If I'm being honest I feel relived and finally free.
I start heading towards my car but a little boy tugs on my dress. I look down at the boy "that lady's not dead." He whispered. "James! What the hell! Go apologize she just lost her mother!" The woman exclaims. But the kid ran away. "I'm so sorry my little brother is such an asshole, he shouldn't have said that, he told multiple people that,I'm sorry." The woman took breaks in between her speech. "No,yea it's fine, my names Stephanie, Stephanie Cohen." I introduce myself to the woman with short dark hair. "It's nice to meet you Stephanie, I'm Sadie Peterson, I loved your speech, honestly is the key to life. l'm so sorry I would love to stay and chat but I have to go find my brother." She excuses herself. "I'll catch up with later?" Sadie says. "I'm actually leaving town." I followed Sadies eyes down onto my arm. I didn't even realize that I was pinching the skin on my elbow. "It's a bad habit." I say embarrassment clear in my voice. "It's fine I have to go now here's my number, take care of yourself." Sadie pulls me into a hug and she says "I'm sorry about your mom." Sadie says as she released from the hug. Then quickly walks away. Just to be polite I say a few goodbyes and make small talk with a old lady who used to cook me free meals every few nights. Once I stole a few donuts and received a candy box from someone who is apparently my 4th aunt. I walk out of the church without looking back. I get into my car, start the engine and drink my second coffee. I drive at a decent speed towards Alfred Massachusetts I didn't want to get a ticket or ruin the rest of the day and I just wanted to enjoy the drive and not feel stressed. I have had a playlist prepared for this day with all my favorite songs for all my different moods. Today is the day that will permanently change  my life.