As of late, Bella's been in quite the financial slump, which has ruffled the feathers of those in the Cullen household, Daddy Cullen especially is irked by her newfound incompetence. "Feeble lazy human," he scoffed, " You have done nothing for our family business, and now, our company's in ruins! Have you no remorse?"
"But... I..." Bella sputtered, freezing in the headlights of his accusation, "You don't understand, Daddy Cullen, I never meant to activate the bomb that I built in our facility! I thought I hid it from myself well by so skillfully hiding it from myself! Besides, I... um... never mind," Her voice fizzled out, and her eyes gravitated to the floor in resignation, tears trying their hardest to escape, and she trying her hardest to lock the gate.
"'Never meant' is no excuse, Bella! You're a doofus, a rather soulless one at that! Really, I have never seen you do so much as exhibit even a shred of emotion. I have no idea why we even thought to hire you in the first place!" he gesticulated without care or restraint, rage held tightly in his fists all the while, "You complete and utter buffoon! From this point forward, you are forbidden from stepping foot on the Cullen premises! You hear that? Forbidden! Verboten! Prohibited! And so on and so forth!"
"Why must you do this to me, Daddy Cullen? It was just a building," Bella panted, her breath now shallow. In a frenzy of mixed emotion, she lost all control of her better judgement and snapped, "I've had enough of your endless slander and blame. Sergio... I curse you!" (see below)
Daddy Cullen pressed his fingers to his temple as an act of psychic resistance, but the curse had already taken hold of him, and an admonitary gust of wind flooded the room, scattering files left and right, leaving the room in complete disarray. Right after Daddy Cullen thought things couldn't possibly get any worse, a shirtless John Hamm left the nearest wall in rubble as he burst through it using the sheer force of his Herculean body. A rich, sultry symphony erupted from the hefty saxophone in his hands, as his hips moved in spasmodic, but nonetheless hypnotic motion.
John Hamm's mystifying performance left Daddy Cullen in a state of oddly-aroused awe, "Who... Who are you? Please, leave me and my erstwhile subordinate alone!" he beseeched, "I can't take it any longer!"
John Hamm payed no mind to Daddy Cullen's plea, and cocked his head to face a camera hidden in a nearby bookcase. Ill-placed text materialized out of thin air beside his face reading "Sergio," and he spoke the same name in perfect sync with the text. John Hamm ran his hands through his hair, and sauntered back through the wall he so kindly broke upon entry, vanishing in a cloud of white smoke.
Bella remained composed, with perfect composure, might I add, during the whole affair, never having moved a muscle or batted an eye at John Hamm's presence. It's almost as if she was the one who caused him to be there or something.
Daddy Cullen, on the other hand, was left in a near-catatonic daze, incapable of coherent thought or speech. He snapped out of his trance, shaking his head from side to side as if to dust off the memories of John Hamm's polished chest. He cleared his throat, furrowing his brow as he turned back to the unperturbed Bella, "That's it. That was the last straw. I thought that maybe this would incite the need for a spite-driven voyage, from which you would return with a Vespa 150 TAP, but midway you would realize that your motives are corrupt, thus giving you the fodder for a compelling character arc, after which you would realize the error of your ways and return with better business ideas than you were previously capable of producing, but no. You don't get a second chance. You are just as useless as ever, Bella."
"Oh, great. I just got fired, and now I'M the one getting fired? Some boss you are. You're the one who should be getting fired, and what's more is that you should be the firee, which, in essence, means you get sacked! God, I cannot believe this complete and utter blasphemy, heresy, etc. etc.! You are one vile, vile man. To you, I say bad day, because that's what you deserve, you formerly dirty good-day-haver!" Bella retrieved a overfilled wine glass from the pocket located within her pocket-sized pocketwatch, and catapulted the glass at Daddy Cullen, leaving him ensanguined with the fruity nectar.
"Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" the wine began to melt his skin as water would a paper bag, and a familiar face began to emerge from under his clever guise.
"You..." Bella faltered, "You're Heinz Doofenshmirtz? THE Heinz Doofenshmirtz?" She compulsively stepped backwards, her feet signaling to her that it was about time to vamoose before any more devastation hits.
"Bella, you vengeful bitch! Not only have you foiled my plans, but you've also foiled my other plans, the success rate of which hinged entirely something you so recklessly foiled!" Doofenshmirtz balled up his fists, his whole body shaking with fury, and he swung a punch at Bella. Doof, critically miscalculating the arm's length of his new form, dodged her face completely, sending himself tumbling to the ground beside her with as much grace as an elephant jumping off of a diving board. His body collided with the floor, producing a series of off-putting cracks under his skin, "Aaaagh!" he groaned, "Shit! I broke myself!"
Bella struggled to suppress her laughter, but it eventually broke loose and she began to cackle hysterically, "You absolute idiot! I didn't even flinch when you tried knocking my teeth loose, and yet you still failed so miserably? Pathetic. I can't believe I ever felt so threatened by you," before Bella could say anymore, a deafening gunshot was heard. Doofenshmirtz, in an act of desperation, had retrieved a small handgun from his cavernous coat pocket, and aimed straight between Bella's eyes. But since he was, you know, broken and all, he failed miserably at that too, misfiring at the ceiling, "Shit! I can't do anything right. Probably because I broke myself!" he huffed. And just like that, he really did break himself. He lay there, broken, in a state of not being unbroken.
All hope is lost for our protagonist who has now shifted from Bella to Doofenshmirtz...
All hope is lost...
And so was a particularly scatterbrained houseguest, who had arrived a tad late for the dinner party. "Hello? Daddy Cullen? Are you there, or was that someone else's gunshot?" they peppered, and eagerly awaited response.
"Egads! I forgot we had planned a get-together with Berthold," Doofenshmirtz hissed under his breath, "Say, Bella," he spoke a little louder, "Can you tell them we're not here? If you couldn't already tell, I'm a bit broken at the moment, and if I wasn't able to shoot you in the forehead, I certainly wouldn't be able to deal with Berthold."
"Oh, uh, sure, I guess..." Bella gave Doofenshmirtz a doubtful glance, and cleared her throat, "No one's here, Bert. Go home."
Despite all the effort Bella put into her declination, Bert, having grown impatient, had already made their way to the elevator, and would soon meet both Doof and Bella face to face. A ding sounded from the set of metal doors, and out came Berthold, looking as jovial as ever. However, they were greeted not by two warm and welcoming friends, but instead by the battered body of what they assumed to be a complete stranger. All color drained from their faced as their countenance morphed from ebullient to mortified, "Oh... Oh my God!"
CHAPTER END
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Holy Cannoli Farmers, Batman!
Non-FictionBella has caused quite the storm in the Cullen household, and it's up to her to resolve the issue like a champ. This dreadful turmoil has put a damper on Edward and Bella's monetarily high-yielding relationship in my newly-minted au, which I've aptl...
