The Death Note

The Note

Death....its a topic that has intrigued me. I always wondered what death is, what would happen after it, how would I feel? Would I be at peace? would I be sad? would I regret? would I even be able to feel something or would it just be darkness? but I never knew. so many times I would want to jump of the building I live in just because I wanted the answer to these questions. but now I think I don't have to wait any longer because  I have decided to see what death is I am going to go meet death. I wonder how the meeting would go. would I be able to see people mourning for me? would people mourn for me except my family? would someone care if I died? would someone notice I was gone? would me not being there impact someone? I am young, very young. a fresh teen who has barely lived her life, I keep thinking why am I doing this? why am I wasting my life away? why am I throwing it away? but then a voice in the back of my head says: you would be wasting your life away if it was worth something, but it isn't. people think just because you are young you wont be mentally ill. according to people if you cant see it, it doesn't exist. they take seeing is believing to a whole new level but the problem is seeing is not always believing. you see a girl very young just into teens she isn't smiling but you think its just her being a teen but sometimes it isn't just her being moody. you don't see what she does how her past and present haunt her, how she tries very hard to be happy. she smiles not for herself but to assure her parents she is alright she hides her anxiety because they say she is too young for things like it, she cant sleep at night because when she is asleep she cant distract herself from the monsters she has hidden within herself, she cant hide the darkness and she cant get away from them. i keep thinking and thinking and I don't seem to understand why. why did it happen? was it my fault? was it wrong for me to speak up? was it wrong for me to say no? I keep rewinding the memories just to see if I was wrong or not. i keep telling myself it wasn't my fault but the monsters in my head say what if it was? what if all you did was wrong? what if you deserve it? what if really no one cares. what if everything is pretend? and all these what ifs lead to one question....what if I died? would people be happy? what if no one mourned? what if people didn't care enough to ask what happened?
I keep these thoughts to myself but not anymore...I will pour my heart out because this might be the last time in this life I could say something. I don't want sympathy I don't need it. all I need is someone who can tell me that those what ifs in my head are lies and that someone cares I don't want tons of people telling it to me one is enough but I wish I could have gotten that one. I wish I could live to see the day I had a soulmate but then those what ifs came to my mind. what if no one ever liked you? what if you end up alone? and it pushes me more towards death. I can feel it in my bones I can feel that my meeting with death is near. I am pushing those thoughts away but the monster is getting stronger it wont let me forget anymore so I have to erase my self to erase my monsters and thus I have decided that I will meet death I wont struggle when death asks me to come with him I will go away happily because I know for once I will do something probably everyone wished for and my last decision will be something that makes people happy. I have decided how I am going to meet death now. I wont struggle I will do it calmly just like euthanasia I will do it willingly and I know I wont regret it. I will do it in the night because my friend death loves the time and the meeting would be taken place in quite and peace with no interruptions all in one go. this will be the end to the suffering. this will be the end of the monster. this will be the end to everyone's problems related to me. this will be the final meeting. This is the Death Note