Life Without Me

Chapter 1

The thing about dying, well for me at least, is that you never really believe that you are. You think about being gone, of course, and you have these ideas in your head about what’s going to happen to those around you; how everyone will react, how they’ll move on. Your sister, she’ll start running every day to cope with the pain. And she’ll quit wearing makeup or doing her hair because she “doesn’t care about anything anymore,” but through that she will become the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. Gorgeous, stunning- everything you ever wanted to be. Your parents will realize what they have left and really start to be good parents: a little less strict and a little more caring, the kind of mom that you consider to be your best friend and the father that would do anything to protect his children. And that boy you like, the cute one that gives you butterflies every time he slides his arm across your shoulder or pulls you in close for a hug, he will finally realize how much he loved you. And even though time passes and years go on, you know he will never forget you. Yes you have these ideas about what will become of those you leave behind, but you never really realize that you’re the one leaving them. You don’t get to be the beautiful one with the wonderful parents, and you can’t run off with that boy and tell him that you’ve always loved him too. Because the thing is, you’ll be dead, and that boy is just going to be permanently screwed up for the rest of his life, and so is your sister and your brother and your parents and your best friends. But see you don’t ever think about that. All you care about is how missed you’re going to be, and frankly, it’s nice to think about. The selfish happiness of knowing they won’t be the same without you. But once you’re dead, you’re dead. You don’t get to live whatever fantasy you played out for everyone else, because you will be stuck in the ground with cockroaches and beetles living in your eye sockets. But that’s a scary thought, so speaking on behalf of all those dying; I know that I prefer to think about everyone else’s life ahead of them, and not my currently failing one. I don’t think about the end of my life, but rather the beginning of their new one- their life without me.