Morrison High: Final Exams

Final Exams Day One

The sign read Mr. Singleton Counselor Fuck.

Eddie Singleton unlocked his office door and placed the Cajun King fast food bag and coffee on the desk. He pulled the canvas work bag off his shoulder and dropped it in a chair. He peeled the sign from his office door and tossed it in the waste basket. Is that what I am? A counselor fuck?

He was assigned to students whose last names begin with letters F through K. He sometimes called them his little fuckers. One of his little fuckers would occasionally write the letters U and C on his door sign, which should read Mr. Singleton Counselor F-K. It was an easy fix, he had several door signs in the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet, but for now the sign could wait. It was day-one of final exams and he liked to settle into his testing site early.

"Y equals left parenthesis X minus fifteen..."

Singleton tossed the exam booklet on the table. Who would need a precalculus test read aloud? He lifted the pre-coded answer sheet to his reading glasses. "Lee Hazleton." I hear he's very special.

He placed the answer sheet beside the test booklet and prepared for his morning ritual. He pulled a bulging wallet from his hip pocket and placed it on the table, hitched up the legs of his khakis and lowered himself into the chair forming an impressive man spread. He unrolled the top of his Cajun King bag. Cajun King was the home of the Cajun filet spicy chicken biscuit. He lifted a carton of their seasoned fries from the bag and tilted them over onto a napkin. He lifted one fry from the carton and bit it in half. Mmm, still warm. Not hot, but warm is good enough for Singleton. He pulled the lid from his large black coffee releasing a snakelike ribbon of steam. He unwrapped his biscuit and took a generous bite. For a moment he did not chew. He closed his eyes and savored the moist bite and let out a soft moan. He finished the bite and put the coffee to his lips. He loved the sensation of two hots mixed together, temperature hot and spicy hot intertwined and stinging the tip of his tongue.

Lee Hazleton. It seemed that nearly half the population of Morrison High School received some form of special accommodation during testing, but leave it to the Hazletons to request a precalculus one-on-one read aloud. Another suck ass assignment awarded to Singleton by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum who were likely at this very minute snickering about it like that dog in the old cartoon he used to watch as a kid. Was it Wacky Racers?

Yes, another suck ass testing assignment, but Cajun King always chirped him up. The tender chicken made it all okay. That, and the fact he was only a year away from retirement made him think of the TV gangster's line, "I can do that time standing on my head."

Singleton finished the food and took a gulp of coffee. This Cajun ritual had been going on for years. He last weighed in at 237 pounds, but thought he carried it well at six feet two. The trick was to go up a pants size as needed so they didn't appear tight and restraining. He really liked the stretchy waist of his new Dockers. His doctor told Singleton he needed to improve his diet and get some exercise, but Amit Patel, M.D. didn't understand the stressful nature of his job. Dr. Patel didn't understand how the only way he could face each day was to jump start himself with Cajun King and the only way to get over such a stressful day was to blow off steam with about eight tequila shots with the regulars at Benny's Bar and Grill where they had christened him "Professor."

Singleton observed the table he would be using had an uneven leg. He pushed on the corner and it rocked slightly. He cocked his head at a wall mounted clock the size of an extra-large pizza pan. The oversized clock had the long useless hands no kid could read these days, let alone the roman numerals the hands pointed to. The second hand advanced in tiny spastic jerks. Tweedle Dum, aka Gail Purcell, the testing coordinator provided the clock and assigned Singleton to the library storage room which was about the size of a regular classroom but was crowded with rows of shelves that held textbooks, audio visual equipment, and supplies. One of the florescent lights in the back of the room needed replacing and a tall storage shelf created a dim cavern beneath it.