Scandalous Affair: Atlas Mate

30

O L I V I A    V A L E Z

I was sitting in the midst of nothing. I could feel my emotions breaking outside of my consciousness as I began to release my misery on those who had done this...me. It's me. I couldn't keep my pain from slipping, yet I didn't cry. I sat here entirely still as the gray clouds conquered the heavens. As much as I kept trying my best to numb the pain deep inside my heart, the azure took the crying instead. 

With my shaking cold hands, I pulled down the blinds of the airplane's window. I have remained flying for hours now, but I felt like sinking into the abyss of oblivion rather than feeling afloat. I was also staring blankly at the skies, not minding the people here. I felt like a dummy tossed inside this plane to be consigned somewhere far away. If I could only go somewhere far without making my family and friends worry, I would. But, I should not be selfish. This is my pain and should not involve others.

I heard the heavy fall of the rain on my plane's window. It was the exact sound that my heart created when it was in pain. That loud burst of heavy rain dropped wildly was the thing I kept repeatedly hearing for the past few years. Parang hindi nagsasawa 'yung puso kong paulit-ulit umiyak. Parang hindi napapagod ang mata kong lumuha nang paulit-ulit. Kailan ba 'to titigil?

Oo, hindi nga ako umiiyak ngayon, pero deep inside I know my soul wept nonstop. Simula noong iwan niya ko para sa totoong mahal niya. Simula pa lang noong iwan ko siyang nakahiga sa kamang iyon. Pero doon nga ba nagsimula lang lahat ng sakit na ito? Hindi ba ito nagsimula noong ma-realized kong gusto ko siya? Na kinalaunan ay mas tumindi at naging pagmamahal? Nakatatawang isipin na sinabi kong I would kept my feelings to myself, na never kong sasabihin 'yon kay Atlas.

But damn, look at me now. So fucking wrecked. 

Hangang sa huli hindi ko pa rin naman nasabi. Maybe, I was foolish. Foolish enough to make love with him before he marries somebody else. Make love? Talaga ba, Olivia? Baka para sa 'yo lang 'yon. Sa kaniya is a lang 'yong plain sex. He just fucked you like another whore in that club. 

I'm filthy. So fucking disgusting.

I stood up harshly, making the person seated beside me jump from her seat. My mind suddenly became more chaotic than before, kaya hindi ko na naisipang mag-sorry man lang sa ginawa ko. Ni hindi ko na nga inisip kung p'wede bang tumayo sa oras na ito. I just run towards the bathroom hurriedly, not minding everyone's eyes. Kahit ang iilang stewardess ay tinitignan ako nang may pagtataka at pag-aalala. 

I forcefully locked the bathroom door. Cold sweats started forming on my forehead, and my stomach created a swirling hole inside me. Nanginginig kong binuksan ang gripo at napasapo sa aking tiyan. Mas lalo naman akong nataranta at kinabahan nang may kumatok sa pintuan.

"Ma'am, are you okay? Do you need anything?" a woman's voice laced with worry asked me. She's probably one of the flight attendants here.

Hindi ko na siya nagawang sagutin nang maramdaman ko ang hindi magandang pakiramdam na parang paakyat sa aking lalamunan. I puked hard. I was grasping after vomiting everything that I could let out. I was gripping the sink hard enough to make my knuckles white. I looked at myself in the small  mirror place above the sink. My face was so pale and sweaty. My lips were bloodless and my eyes were weary and teary. 

"I look so fucking disgusting," I said weakly at myself.

Napapitlag ako nang may kumatok muli. 

"Ma'am, are you okay there?"

I closed my eyes and put my palm on my forehead tiredly, "Yes. Yes, I'm fine."

What a shitty lie.