After Pink Skies Comes the Rain

We were almost perfect, but I'm not sure what went wrong.

After ten years of being with Rose, the love of my life—and I don't think I would ever find someone like her—she wanted it to end.

Ang sakit. Kasi siya lang naman ang minahal ko. First and only.

I recalled how she was the first one to tell me she liked me. And maybe I was just too excited that a girl actually liked me . . . or, well, could actually like me. I'm the very timid type, one who would only speak if necessary. Tatanungin ako, sasagutin ko. Pero hindi ako nagbibigay ng opinyon kung hindi tinatanong. So when she asked me if I ever liked a woman before, when she would choose to sit beside me during class when there were a lot of empty seats, when she asked me about my interests, my stomach easily fluttered.

Especially when she gave me a letter after the last day of the same class we were attending. She gave it to me like how a high school anime girl would: she whispered my name, and when I turned, she dumped the letter on my chest. It was full of thanks, at sa dulo, ang nakalagay: I didn't know how it started. Siguro dahil sa curiosity . . . until I realized I've been thinking about you too much. Maybe, just maybe, I like you.

I cherished our first holding hands, first hug, first kiss. I cherished all my time with her . . . for 10 years. We would listen to each other's political rants, work dilemmas, existential thoughts, and more. We never fought, iyon ang totoo. And when someone asked me if we ever quarreled, I would shake my head. She was the most understanding woman I've ever known. Bubbly. Empathetic. She was too colorful for my black-and-white life.

I didn't know that her silence already meant something. Or maybe I was denying that it meant something.

For the nth time, I read her long message.

You know that you have my heart for the past 10 years, but recently hindi ko na alam. And I want to be honest. I want to talk about it. But I'm scared. I'm scared of not going after what's making me happy, but I'm also scared of letting go of the person who did nothing but love me. Care for me. Who did nothing wrong. I'm confused. I feel so bad and evil and I feel that I am unworthy of anything.

Sabi mo, love is choosing the person you are committed to at the end of the day. Have I stopped choosing you when we are still officially together but I am already dreaming of someone else? I am confused. I am scared.

What if I'm wrong? What if this was just infatuation? What if one day, I'll come longing for you? But this isn't fair. For you, most especially. I know it isn't. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I tried to reject these feelings. But I end up smiling when I'm with this person. And I feel bad about it. I'm confused. I'm scared.

Hindi ako nag-reply for three days. I didn't even call her back, thinking she'd call and explain and apologize and tell me that this was all just a nightmare. But a day had passed. Two. Three.

Those three days without her felt as if I already knew what death felt.

With all the courage I could muster, after three days, I answered.

You are afraid to take the risk. Because in those 10 years we were together, you were already content. But if you were still, I mean, up to now, then these questions wouldn't bother you. Have you stopped choosing me? Maybe. The moment you took the courage to tell me that you are doubting your commitment. Because if you haven't, you'd ask me how we could make it work.

And yes, this isn't fair. For you, too.

Besides...

Whom are you happier with?