we are flowers {cake au}

february 14, 2015 (chapter 19)

i can't believe how much has changed. so much is different and i absolutely hate it. i miss calum.

in december i looked forward to this day because i knew i'd get to spend it with him, but i was wrong. i'm with harry today, and it's nice. except that he's no calum.

i think harry could tell that there was something wrong. he told me to write because he thinks it could help me. i think he's right.

in my head, calum would be up first thing in the morning because he would want to prepare everything for our day. there would be an indoor picnic with spaghetti or something. something really nice. calum was so nice. we would probably sing something together. some sort of love song. he would look at me straight in the eyes and hold my cheeks in his hands and tell me how special i am and how much he loves me.

i would probably cry after that, because when am i not crying? he would ask why, and i could tell him how grateful i was for him. he was so good to me. he knew what to say and how to say it. luckily, harry does too. but harry doesn't know what to say about calum. it's not an ideal situation.

truth be told, i'm really writing this because harry asked me to be his boyfriend today. i couldn't answer. i wanted to say yes and finally get rid of calum forever but i keep hanging on and i don't know why. he was the first person i loved after being so alone and now i'm stuck feeling that way for good. i wish i could've just said yes to harry and then we could be happy and he could plan the cute indoor picnic and sing songs with me and never ever cheat on me. except that he probably would because i get the feeling that he doesn't really like the idea of a relationship like calum and i had. he probably only asked me to be his boyfriend because he feels bad and knows that i need a lot of love and support.

i keep getting these flashbacks of things from months ago. yesterday i thought of the time that we first kissed after we drank milkshakes and then i thought of the time we took ashton there and calum got jealous of how close ashton and i were. isn't it funny that ashton wasnt a threat to calum at all? he was a threat to me. i never saw that one coming.

i remembered how calum helped when the flowers died and how he made me laugh a lot and then he wanted to get my laugh on camera because he thought it was really wonderful. i thought of how calum touched me really really gently whenever we were together and he was so careful like i was glass. what he didn't take into account was that i was broken long before he came around, so he didn't have to worry about being too rough because i can handle it. but i couldn't handle what he did with ashton.

it lost it's severity, i think. it used to be really bad but i've sort of gotten over it.

i talked to ashton a few times as well, and he keeps trying to assure me that it was entirely his fault, that he came on to calum and took advantage of him, but i can't believe that. i know that it was hair as much his fault as it was calum's. they both messed up.

mali also keeps telling me how very sorry calum is and that he is sick thinking about what he did.

i just wish that i could go back in time because if i wouldn't have gone that night, they wouldn't have done what they did and calum and i would be fine. we'd be together right now, doing all those lovely things together. i hate these past few months so much.

i just miss him.

love,
luke

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yo yo yo so ik this is a really different chapter but no worries i have an explanation as to why i did this!!

i actually had chapter 20 written but not chapter 19 and i really didn't know what to do here bc i didnt want to just continue talking on and on about him moving on with harry or how he misses calum bc i felt like it would be just really boring to write and to read. so i went for this instead bc i've only been able to write in first person.

i KNOW this kind of sucks so don't worry. i wrote it in like 5 minutes so there is probably lots of mistakes but like i'll probably read over it AFTER i publish yanno bc i'm young and reckless (JUST KIDDING omg)

(also pls notice that poor little lukey is journaling and it was by Harry's suggestion bc when he asked him to be his bf luke broke down :( and also he wrote that he was over the thing and he is over the fact that they had sex but not over the fact that calcal kinda forgot abt him so yeah)

i dont know if i'll use the same chapter 20 i have written or if i'll save that for 22 (it's calum's perspective lol) but then after that chapter it's basically over ha :') maybe i'll have like an epilogue or one last chapter that's just for fun (for you guys and for me) but yeah lolz either way this is coming to a close. IF i can think of another chapter that won't just seem like a repeat of another chapter i will have 22 chapters to have 2 extras for you guys :P

but OKAY ENOUGH OF THIS THX FOR READING HUNNIES ILY

vote and shit pls :))))))

-M💘