summer stories

Letters to a friend (tmr)

TW: depression, sad thoughts

Dear You,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I killed you, I'm sorry you died. I'm sorry I dragged you into this. That my stupid decisions–even before I could remember– hurt you so much you couldn't bring yourself to breathe in the fresh air that was life. I'm sorry I brought you into this mess. That I let you go and I didn't even try to protest when you begged for me to take your life away.

I'm sorry I didn't realise I could have saved you. I'm sorry I was too late. If I could turn back time, I swear I would have let them kill me, I would have let them drain my body of every drop of its blood, if that would have saved your life. Call me crazy, but I would do anything to bring you back. Absolutely anything.

I wish you could have seen the safe haven. I wish you could see Minho trying to garden. That would have given you a right laugh, I'd bet. We have a patch of tulips planted for you. A patch of different flowers for each of the gladers too, actually. Roses for Winston and Calla Lilies for Alby. You would have loved it. If you're listening, I'm sorry I couldn't tell him.

Dear Him,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough. I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you that your best friend died. And that I killed him. I'm sorry I was a terrible friend, and yet you stayed by my side through thick and thin. I'm so sorry. I try to tell myself that I saved him. That he wanted me to do it, and he did. But I'd be a right fool if I actually believed that. Because, the truth of it is: you saved him.

You knew him since before you could remember, and you were always there for him. You were there when he jumped off the walls of the maze, hell you saved him from dying. And then I came along and ruined it all. I tore you two apart. I broke your friendship, but still you hugged me when I woke up from a coma. It should have been me. I should have died. Don't try to protest, and trust me when I say I would do anything to bring him back to us. To you. If you're listening, I'm sorry I couldn't save him.

Dear Me,

It's to you I am the most sorry. I'm sorry I made you a murderer. I'm sorry I forced you to kill your best friend. I'm sorry I didn't give you a choice in the matter, or even a chance to decide how you felt about him. I wish he was here as much as you do. He would definitely scold us for thinking this way; that's how he is. But he isn't. He isn't here. I completely understand if you don't want to speak to me, or help me in any way, but I just want to tell you that I wish I could have saved him, even though wishing won't get me anywhere. I'm so sorry I took him away from you. From everyone he loved. I mean, we did that before the maze didn't we? We took him from his parents. We took all of them from their parents. Their family. We were taken away from our family too, weren't we?

That's beside the point. I guess what I'm trying to say is just, I would have done everything in my power to save him, if I was given the chance. I'm sorry I took him away from you, and I hope you can forgive me someday. If you're listening, I'm sorry I couldn't do it.