Ashore

5: Grief

A soft blanket. A big desk. Multiple colours of plushies. These are the sights that greet me when my eyes blink open.
For a moment, it feels like an ordinary day: maybe L'manberg was a dream.
Then it floods back to me.
The King is dead.
"You're awake?"
My eyes flick to Tommy. A lump rises in my throat and I cough.
Talking is hopeless. My throat is completely dry.
I settle for a nod.
"Are you doing okay?" he asks.
I should be the one asking that question.
His eyes are glassy, with tears. The white parts of his eye has turned red; bloodshot. The bright and happy aura- the light- that used to wrap around Tommy has faded. Faded into darkness. Its like he aged five years in... How long have I been sleeping? I try to recall- retrace my footsteps- but my memory is foggy.
As if reading my mind, Tommy breaks the silence, "You've been out for five hours. I was worried. You were... Going insane? You took a branch and started running and stabbing shit, so they knocked you out by stabbing you there. On your hand, if you haven't noticed. They had to do surgery after stabbing you, and then they put you on the sleeping drug."
My eyes slide to my right hand.
A big scar, with stitches, traces from the base of my fingers to the start of my wrist. Yikes. That's the worst cut I've gotten. My eyes widen, before a pang of guilt hits me. I was randomly stabbing things, people, with a branch. They must all think I'm insane.
Tommy and the rest don't trust me anymore, do they?
"I know the person that went around stabbing things with a branch- you got hold of a knife after that, by the way, and started injuring people- wasn't you." his voice is shaky.
"What do you mean...?" I croak. I need water. Tommy offers me a glass of water and I gladly take it.
"The Aster I know wouldn't go around hitting people. It was evolved, angry Aster that took over you. Its wasn't your fault. You didn't know."
I continue drinking the water to hide a smile. Maybe I still have his trust.
"Don't do it again, though. Me, Wilbur, Tubbo, and Ranboo fought really hard to convince the citizens that you were a good guy." he smiles weakly.
"Thank you. I mean it fully." I realise I'm still lying on the bed- Tommy's bed?- so I scramble to get up before he can object.
"Ranboo got hurt- from the Angry Aster that took over you- so it might take him awhile to trust you again. Even though he fought with us to convince the citizens that you're innocent." Tommy adds quietly. I nod.
Did I actually injure Ranboo? My friend that helped me out the most when I washed ashore? My friend that helped me through a panic attack, and let me stay in his house?
Self-loathing overwhelms me, but Tommy snaps me out of it.
"Lets go see the rest."
-
Soft, almost white sand beneath my feet. Waves crashing. Wind fluttering around the atmosphere.
The three of them sitting on the sand. Where it all started.
Tubbo turns around and notices me and Tommy first.
He taps Wilbur's and Ranboo's back to inform them.
I swallow. This isn't the time for a False Alarm. I need to set things right with them. I need their trust.
"Hi," I walk cautiously to them. They all smile.
"Doesn't mean you went insane for awhile means we hate you. You're still our friend, through anything, okay? Through wars, through death, through grief." Wilbur looks me in the eyes and tells me.
Warmth spreads across me. How- how does a person become so... Kind?
"I'm sorry, Ranboo. I really am. Are you okay?" I almost smile at my choice of words. For once, my sentence sounded right.
"You just stabbed me in the knee without much strength, so I'm okay. I forgive you, too. Thank Tommy for this. He convinced me that you weren't in the wrong."
I turn towards Tommy and he rubs the back of his neck laughing. But the laughter is hollow. Grief makes up at least ninety-five percent of his heart right now.
I sit beside Wilbur, but shift to the side for Tommy to sit beside him instead.
Wilbur smiles when Tommy takes the spot beside him. I smile too.
"So... What are you guys gonna do?" I know they get what I'm talking about.
"Since my father is.. dead now, I'm becoming the King. Tommy, Ranboo, and Tubbo have to train alot more now. We're talking only one hour of rest per day. Our enemy- Dream- sent us war threats. You can be one of the Generals too, Aster, if you want of course. Trust is the main component of becoming a general, and I trust you, alot." Wilbur tries not to sound exhausted. He still does, though.
The thought reaches me.
Wilbur is eighteen years old, and becoming a king.
Meanwhile, the other three are twelve, thirteen years old, and fighting in war. Already Generals.
And they're not complaining about it.
Not complaining, even through the suffering and grief.
"Any advisors?" I ask in spite of myself. Its a valid question, though. There's no way Wilbur could he a king at eighteen without help.
"Yeah. Our older brother, who set off from L'manberg a few years ago to explore the Earth. Apparently he's really powerful. They call him the Blood God. He didnt take the role of King, though, cause my father somehow trusted me more. It was in his will. I don't think he expected himself to go so soon, though." Wilbur's voice cracks at the word 'go'.
I nod.
The five of us sit there on the shore, submerged in grief, in silence.
-
The funeral went by too fast. There wasn't even a wake. Apparently, that was the tradition at L'manberg.
Philza's body was encased in a coffin that was pearl white with green and black highlights. Like his soul was travelling to heaven with him.
His body was buried an hour later, after all the citizens of L'manberg paid respects to the King.
I had never seen Tommy and Wilbur cry more in that few hours.
It seemed too fast; two hours and then everyone was shouting 'Long Live the King' while Wilbur stood shakily on the podium. His dark eyes overlooking everything. Him putting on a brave face, blindly reading out a touching speech.
-
Just like that, it was over; Philza was buried, Wilbur was King. Wilbur and Tommy's brother, the Blood God, who I found out to be called Technoblade, arrived.
"Hi guys," Techno nodded and said quietly when the six of us gathered.
"You took too long, Dad's already buried." Tommy replied instantly, an edge in his voice. Ranboo and Tubbo both mumble a 'hello', while Wilbur almost completely disregards him.
"Sorry." Is all Techno says when he notices the reactions. I almost feel bad for him; although I don't really know what he has done or did.
"Hey," I reply Techno, trying to sound slightly friendly.
"Hey, you're Aster right?"
The slight rasp in his voice makes me just an edge scared of him.
"Yea-" I stop talking when Tommy glares at me. He'd never done that before. I nod stiffly.
"Guys, I'm sorry, okay? I know I... Wasn't the best four years ago, but I've changed in these three years. I'm a changed man. Please, we need to work together. For L'manberg." There's a sense of pleading, guilt, in his tone.
"You threatened to kill the citizens and left L'manberg without warning, leaving us weak and in a war with Dream. Dad gave his all in that war; it caused him to get all his back aches and illnesses. And you just left! You abandoned L'manberg, now you're asking us to do things for L'manberg?" Tommy almost yells, and I flinch.
"Aster, I'm sor-" I wave Tommy off and gesture to let Techno speak.
"Do you think this is what Father would have wanted? For us to argue?"
"No." Both Wilbur and Tommy reluctantly say.
"So, let's get to it."
-
"We need to find you a line of expertise, since you're general and all." Techno looks down and tells me. He's almost two heads taller than me; I'm not even that short. 5'11.
"You wanna try out frontlines first?"
I shake my head quickly. I'm not the combat type- I know from experience, and I don't want to talk about it.
"Okay... Canon?" Techno asks, but I think he knows that I'm not keen. I've never even seen a canon before, and they are far too loud. I shrug.
"Wait, I think I've got the thing for you. Come on." He doesn't wait for my reply and I rush after him.
I found myself surrounded with people holding bows and arrows. Targets.
He wants me to try archery?
I nod slowly. Maybe archery is fine. I've never tried it before, though. My heart thumps and a drip of sweat appears on my temple, the usual routine when I try something new, knowing that someone expects something of me.
Techno hands me slightly heavy bow and a sharp arrow. One shot to the heart and the arrow would go right through.
Techno expects me to be good at archery.
I have to prove him right.
After receiving the quickest of crash courses, I take my first aim at the target about seven meters away from me.
Left arm straight. Right arm parallel to the ground. Pull back. Right hand touches the cheek. Right eye focused on the arrow nook. Align it with the bullseye. Uncurl your fingers to release the arrow. Let it fly. I shout to myself inside my head as I follow through Techno's instructions as accurately as possible.
I watch the arrow closely.
Bullseye.
I smile involuntarily and I see the side of Techno's mouth twitch ever so slightly.
"Good job. Try again."
I nod, this time less nervous, more relaxed. I don't let the instructions slip, though. Let it fly.
The arrow pierces the exact middle of the target. Maybe I'm an archery prodigy. Or its just luck, and you're using it all up. You'll fail in the war, idiot. My brain reminds me. Still, I extend the distance between me and the target by one meter and take a third attempt to try if it was luck or skill. Let. It. Fly.
I almost grin when the arrow hits the middle zone. Not as perfectly middle as the previous one, but definitely still a bullseye in Olympics context. But I clamp my lips tight. I can't be here grinning, not when this nation has been grieving over the loss of its King.
"Hey, Aster." Wilbur's voice appears behind me. I turn around to see Tommy, Ranboo, and Tubbo there as well. I decide to call them the Bench trio in my head, since they introduced themselves as that before.
"Hi," I smile slightly.
"This one's a natural archer. Those three shots you see there? All from her. First try." Techno looks at Wilbur and tells him.
"WOW! You're amazing, Aster. You'll play a big part in the war, for sure. Archery prodigy." Wilbur grins, while the trio cheers from behind.
"Thanks." I mutter. I would have spoke normally, but not with the mass of people around me, and Techno, whom I've just met.
The thing is, though, the four people I'm supposed to be comfortable with, look different. I'm still comfortable with them, of course- but my heart quivers when I look at Wilbur. No more comfy baby blue sweater or airy white T-shirts, but a mustard yellow sweatshirt with a leather jacket over it. A cloth designed with a flag- the L'manberg flag?- tied around his wrist. The dark circles around this eyes, the exhaustion of his whole self.
Even the three looked different. No more red and white t-shirt stained with mud, but a red hoodie stained with blood. From training. Ranboo and Tubbo- no more sweatshirts or comfortable hoodies, but instead collared shirts, both stained with blood.
And all four- five, actually, including me, wore one thing in common. A jacket, blue, red, yellow, and white. The L'manberg uniform.
"Take care, guys." my voice is almost a whisper but it sounds loud and clear. I swear I see Tommy's eyes water when he hears my words, but even if his eyes watered, he wipes it off in a split second.
Before I know it, their backs are facing me and Techno speaks again.
"Well, let's continue with training."
I nod stiffly.
We're still grieving.
But we have to move on.
To war.