i feel so shitty rn
and its not because my back feels like its been trampled over by a crowd of people being late to work in manhattan
no i feel shitty because i am never good enough
and even when you think you're good enough, by standards you're still not good enough because someone is going to be better
okay let me just get straight to the point
so i applied for this scholarship thing right
and it just seemed perfect. it seemed that it was my destiny to get in and excel in it. they have connections with my number one college of choice (and it has been my college of choice ever since 6th grade) nyu, and i could get scholarship money to go there and major in journalism and get so many different job opportunities like maybe being an editor for a magazine, or a major book company, or be a reporter, or write novels, or do screenwriting for tv shows or write a great play and have it played on broadway. and i wouldnt even have to pay for it if i get a scholarship i just go and do well and succeed and life and not have to worry about starving because everythings paid for and i can just enjoy college but no i cant fucking do that anymore because i cant even get the scholarship
so what happened was i walking to drop off my application and i saw one of my friends there and she was dropping off her application too and she said good luck to me and i said thank you and wished her luck. and shes one of the nicest people ever and just great. and then i went in to drop off my application and the lady in charge of it was so happy to see me bc i help her out in the morning and asked me to sign my name or whatever under the list of people applying and i took a quick glance at it and saw that one of the smartest girls in probably the school applied and i just ugh i wanted to unsign everything
and then before i left the lady said "I hope you get in" and i just started crying because now because of her im not going to get in the people at the scholarship thing are going to love her and ask her to come in for interviews while they wont even give me a chance theyll just over look everything and comapare me to that one girl and say "well shes nothing like this person" and i hate everything just when i think i have a chance theres some other smart girl whos just going to take everything away and shit on your dreams because theyre perfect at everything.
why cant she just do another one jesus. theres another scholarship thatll she be perfect at too where you have to create a writing portfolio and you get money if you win. i have no chance at that because im not a well rounded writer i just bull shit everything why the fuck do people have to be good at everything and try to do everything give other people a chance i have no chance now fuck
and that girl i mentioned before, i dont mind if she gets it over me. shes so nice and just really genuine and i hope she gets called in for interviews because she actually has a chance.
and idk, i hate it when you put in effort and shit just comes out. my science teacher always says "school is like a bank, you put 100 dollars in you get 100 dollars out. put 100% in get 100% out." but sometimes theres bank failures and it just eats your money and theres nothing you can do about it okay
bye im going to cry more about how im probably going to go to a cheap ass college because i fear that i will be broke for the rest of my life because college costs so much
