Pain...

Friends don't leave each other.

When did it started? When Mari became something more than just a friend in my eyes? It's awful thinking about her in that way. It's like a betrayal, we should be friends. I shouldn't have fell in love with her.

After all that mess we had those few days ago... And then having her again in my arms, feeling her warmness and body against mine. I'm hurting her with that... I shouldn't have think like that. I'm such a fool, she doesn't think about me in this way. We're just close friend. Don't even wish about being with her something else.

We can't. I can't! It's forbidden to feel like that. But here I am, loosing my mind over a beautiful girl... My best friend. I should stop staring at her, and again be a good friend that she wouldn't be scared of. She doesn't know... What I feel.

I don't want her to know. I want to forget about those feelings, but I can't. Love is painful. Seeing her makes my heart ache with love and pain knowing that we can't be together. Why? Because she doesn't feel the same, she sees me as a friend. How do i know?... Because I know her.

"Kanan-san you should really talk with Mari-san about that" My friend said. Just think about having a talk like that with Mari is making me want to vomit.

"I—I can't Dia!... It's not right feeling like that." Tears started to fill my eyes my vision getting blurry, throat getting weak, each word hurted more than the previous one.

"Oh please. It's Mari she wouldn't judge you! How do you know that she doesn't feel the same?" My head started to spin, I'm getting dizzy it's hard to breathe.

"Because I know!" I stood, my legs feeling like overcooked spaghetti. My head light but heavy at the same time, what happened later... I don't know.

Now I'm here, laying on a bed in nurse office. Being closed in a small room made of white curtains. It's cold but hot, I don't know if I'm still dreaming or not.

Dream... Huh?

Mari was on my side sitting there on a chair with worried expression... She's saying something but I can't hear her. Her beautiful face... So... Close. Her hand on mine. It feels like a dream. My right hand went to her cheek.

"So warm and soft..." Mari looked at me maybe she thought I was loosing my mind. I can't hear her, it hurts. I want, but I can't. "I'm sorry" All I could do was to whisper an apologize, what I'm going to do is bad. But that's what my heart is telling me to do... Even if it's just a dream, even if this Mari is not real. I want to try. I have always wanted.

Her lips so... Shiny, tasting them was like an explosion of joy but pain and disgust. How dare I to be so selfish. Having her but not being happy about that. Just pain. Because I know what would happen next, just like in that room in school... My cheek will be red. I pulled away, maybe it wasn't a good idea if i would stay longer I could suffocate and not face her again.

Already waiting to be slapped I closed my eyes waiting for punishment. But I never felt her hand on my cheek with pain. I felt soft touch and cares, her thumb on my chin lifting it up. My red eyes meeting hers. She's crying and it's because of me, I should hit myself for making her cry. Her left hand joined my face. She wiped my tears with smile on her lips.

"I love you" I could hear again those words made me shudder. Or maybe it was just my brain playing with me. She can't be saying that, it's not true. Stop with that nonsense. "I love you Kanan! I've always had!" She yelled it was clear now, all the noise could be heard now. Skin being careesed sheets being moved, I could even hear her beating heart. Beating as fast as mine.

It's just a dream. Don't think it's real, it can't be real. But it feels so real... Why my brain is playing with me like this. I stared at the cold wall behind Mari's back, I couldn't see her face because she was hugging me, her chin on my shoulder her hands griping on my back. "You're such a fool you know..." She said i could feel the pain in her voice maybe her throat was sore too. But what she's saying is true... I have always been a fool. "I talked with Dia" she held my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. Those beautiful mesmerising eyes shining in the light. I shrugged my body at her touch but she stayed still. "Why didn't you said... That you like me in this way?" No, don't start with that. My tummy is starting to itch, please don't. Again it feels like I can't hear but now I can't speak too, I can't think. I can't breathe.

Just... PAIN...

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Hello... I'm back after like 2 years. Sorry to all my Polish fans but I'll write in English from now on, of course I'm still in the Love Live fandom. Remember once you get in you can't go back. After that break I think that I'll come back to writing.

Thank you for reading,
See you in the next one.