The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

I'm Tired

I'm tired. I am tired of everything lately. I am tired of my job. How it feels like a dead end. I am tired of fake friends who disappear the moment I don't act like I'm super happy and bubbly. I am tired of my college yanking me around when I fulfilled every requirement but they want me to come back for four more months to "process my diploma" when I already have enough credits. I am tired of eating when everything tastes like cardboard. I am tired of my step daughter lying and being manipulative and making me into the enemy and not getting punished and I don't even get an apology and I just get told to suck it up. I am tired of my doctor telling me that I am too young and I don't know what I want when I tell her I want a hysterectomy. I am tired of being everybody's secret keeper when no one wants to hear mine. I am tired of screaming in my head but no sound escapes my lips. I am tired of feeling physical symptoms and doctors telling me it is all in my head. I am tired of telling doctors that I know things that are wrong with me and I just keep getting referred to psychotherapy. I'm tired of the boyfriend acting like I am his mother and am supposed to be taking care of him medically and if I don't he just says fuck it and doesn't take his meds or eat right. I am tired of being the only one with my eyes wide open and everyone else around me is still sleeping on what the world is coming to. I am tired of having no one to talk to who truly understands what I am saying or where I am coming from. I am tired of trying to talk about myself and continuously getting interrupted for other to talk about themselves. I am tired of constantly being in pain and trying to find anything that could numb the pain or numb my brain so I don't think. I am tired of thinking so deeply when everyone around me seems completely happy being oblivious to everything. I am tired of constantly wanting to self harm so I can feel something because I constantly feel numb. I am tired of feeling like I am a visitor in my own life, my own body, my own skin. I am tired of watching people be evil in their own lives and do evil things unto others and get no repercussions from it. I am tired of seeing the hatred, the anger, the chaos, the violence, the vileness, the natural evil inside of people spilling out of everyone while our country and world is faking apart and no one else seems to even see it. I am tired of being told that how often I clean my house, my job, how much I work, how much I drive, how little or how much I sleep, what I eat, how I do things, the way I think and process information, it is not enough or it is not right. My opinions are wrong. I see things differently than others but yet my opinions and thoughts are the ones that are wrong because god forbid it could be anyone else wrong. I am tired of living in this world where no matter what I do or how I do it, it is never right and it is never good enough so why should I even bother trying? I am always there for everyone else. When is it their time to be there for me? And now that I see their true colors, do I even really want them to be?