[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[15.] The Calendar.

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The next day Lan Xichen – who had obstinately refused not  to sleep in the same bed as his husband – brought him breakfast, and also dragged in a huge piece of parchment into the room. 

Jiang Cheng was gaping, eating a little, drinking more tea, as Lan Xichen now crawled on the floor, spreading the sturdy paper, and held a small pot of ink in his hand. His heart was melting – his husband had taken his robe off, and was now painting the signs for the months of the year, and he already knew what this was going to be. 

His mind could not help but picture a future in which Lan Xichen was the father of his children, playing with them on the floor, and teaching them how to write. His eyes brimmed with tears again, and he focused hard on his tea.

- Alright now! – he puffed, sweating, as he was doing his best to be stepping in places that contained no letters and words.

- Zewu-Jun, you are strange. – Jiang Cheng grinned.

Lan Xichen grinned back, too happy to see him feeling a little better.

- Let's do this! Tell me the dates in midsummer? – he bent over the parchment, frowning a little over the date of the summer solstice. – And now... Now... It started, what? Four days ago? Five days ago?

Sandu Shengshou was smiling, watching him hum and mark the dates, count the days, frowning, calculating, planning holidays ahead, no doubt... Sandu Shengshou was smiling through tears – wasn't this love? Deep love at that?

- But darling, you will still be ill on my birthday! We will move the celebrations! I didn't want to celebrate anyway as ---

He looked up at him, and saw tears that Jiang Wanyin was trying vigorously to wipe away and hide. He put the ink on the floor and climbed into the bed again, hugging him.

- Please, no... Please, my little one... Please... You are breaking my heart, Wanyin...  -  he was murmuring sadly.

- No... - Jiang Wanyin sobbed. – No... I am happy... I am so happy... So happy, Zewu-Jun... You are so amazing... You are making me happy... I love you...

Lan Huan froze. 

The words grabbed his heart and squeezed it. He pressed his husband in a tighter embrace, but said nothing. 

Jiang Cheng realized what he had just said a little too late, and was now silent, afraid. He was listening to Lan Xichen's heart pounding wildly in his chest, wondering what thoughts were circling in that perfect head of his. Cuddling into him as deep as he could, he waited for him to say something, anything. 

And soon he did.

- I have heard those words before. I have heard them from the lips of one who I worshipped. The one who killed my heart, and left me hollow. I am not sure if I can love any more. All I have now is desire, and lust. Not love.

Jiang Cheng was staring at him with fear, all flushed. He had not planned to say this sentence – it just escaped his lips naturally, as his whole heart was screaming these words and they were echoing in his head day and night. 

He now bit his lips and murmured:

- I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Forgive me.

- You are so innocent... so pure...  A virgin in my arms.... Gods! How can you possibly be in love with me? All I want to do is fuck you senseless.  –  Lan Xichen hissed, and tried to get out of the bed, as his head was spinning and his eyes were full of tears too. But a firm grip on his wrist stopped him –  he turned to see Jiang Cheng staring at him with burning eyes.

- This is simply not true,  Zewu-Jun! –  he cried. –  Or have you forgotten how gentle and patient you have been with me? How caring? How passionate... -  his voice broke.

He looked away, but went on:

- If this is not love, husband, I really don't know what is...

Lan Xichen was speechless. He clenched his teeth when his husband added:

- I've changed my mind. I am  not  sorry  for what I said. I will say it again, because it is true!  –  he looked up at him, hurt. – I love you, Zewu-Jun. Even if you don't love me, I do. You make me happy, every day. I want you to be the father of my children, because I want you to be happy too! –  he said boldly.

Lan Xichen inhaled sharply and growled, returning to bed and getting on top of him in just a second, taking off his shirt with just a single movement. 

Jiang Cheng gasped, as now his husband was attacking his mouth and his body with millions of quick kisses passionately, speaking coarsely, urgently:

- Do you understand how beautiful you are... Can you see how much I want you...? I want you so much that I dream of eating you alive, drinking you in your sleep... Do you know how much it hurts... to be loved, to be adored by such beauty, and to know that you don't deserve it, that you will never deserve it... You are perfect... You are amazing... The way you give yourself to me makes me want to weep... You break my heart every time you cry, Jiang Cheng... What is this? Is it love? How do I know? I have never been loved in my life... Not like this...No... Never...