All You Wanna Know! (On Going)

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You know what feelings I hate the most?

Numbness and overwhelm.

They make me crazy. I either go to one or the other. And sometimes they're able to come at the same time and I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

It's honestly so hard to deal with everything on my own. I really wanna reach out for help, but at the same time I think "Why should I? I'm just a lost cause. Nobody can help me. Nobody cares."

Nobody cares. Because if they did, they would see me struggling every fucking day. I've been struggling from like so many years I've lost count. I even self harmed for years and NOBODY EVER FUCKING NOTICED ANYTHING! Not that I wanted them to know I self-harmed. Or that I wasn't and am not okay.

I know, it doesn't make sense. I want to be seen and helped, yet, I don't wanna be seen and I wanna be left alone and I'm so fucking private that nobody really knows me. I don't even know myself, how hilarious.

Everyone just sees me as a quirky, happy,  positive, sometimes shy and clumsy girl who apparently (as I've been told) brings joy.

You know, I know I'm good at hiding the true me and I know I'm good at creating many faces to fit the situation. Not I've never really acknowledged how I'm so good that sometimes I'm even able to fool myself.

Yes I am depressed. Yes I have anxiety. Yes I'm a fucking mess. And yes. I'm not okay.

I'm not ashamed to say this here. Why? Maybe because I'm pretty much a random unknown woman on here. But also maybe because I've always loved to write. Which is why I came here. And why I write my stories. It's something I love. But I'm so fucking mad I can't do this anymore like I've used to. Fucking depression thinks it's okay to take away the few things I enjoy and find some peace in and make me feel like a disappointment. And my anxiety thinks it's great to make me feel so much pressure and anxiety about how I should write but my depression stops me.

There's so much going on in my brain, everytime I try to figure it out, everything just gets messier.

Do you know how horrific is to feel so overwhelmed that you just become numb? It's idk. Numb. I can't really feel in that moment. But after, it all comes crashing down hard. And I get scared. And it terrifies me that sometimes when I get numb I kind of dissociates and I swear, I fucking swear, I can see myself from a third person pov. And I'm like "fuck have I died?" And I'm relieved and sad that I'm not, once I "go back". I'm not suicidal. Shit I could tell if I was as I had suicidal years where (although no one knows) I've tried to kill myself but always failed because I was afraid. I swear I'm out of that shitty period. I don't self-harm anymore either. Yet sometimes, the thoughts of grabbing a blade or simply trying to put an end to everything, sometimes, just sometimes, it's there. The thought. But I've swore to myself that I'd never go back to those. Sure, I had some relapses about self-harm but they were small and it's actually been a year or so that I didn't have any. Just the thought.

Buy you know? That scares me. Because, the overwhelming thoughts are those who greatly adds to my issues. I'm scared because I think "what if I'm not strong enough and succumb to them? What if they win over me?"

I'm so tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of never succeeding in something. To always be the loser, the last, the disappointment, the mistake, the worthless, the talentless. Just wrong.

I just want to be happy. I don't ask for much. Just happiness? Is that too much? Maybe I don't deserve it.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep or not sleep at all. I'm just tired of this shit. I've been battling for so long, why hasn't it ended yet? I just wanna see the light of the end of this dark tunnel I'm stuck in.

I just want some friends. A happy life.

I just don't wanna be in this mess.

I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now. It's all a mess. A great freaky mess.

It's 1 am maybe I should try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow, or well, today will be better. I doubt it. But what else can I do if not to wait and see? Not hope, I've lost that a long time ago.

But I do know that one day I'll be okay. People who've gone through the same said it will be okay eventually. They talk from experience so why not believe them?

I just wonder, will that day come for me? Cuz if it is. I just want it to come soon.

Because I'm trying, I'm really trying to get my shit together. I'm trying as hard as I can. But it's never good enough. And it's frustrating. So frustrating... And nobody gets it, nobody knows.

I'm all alone. All alone in this darkness. And I feel so lost.

Will publishing this help me? No. But like whatever. This account it's pretty much a diary. This book is pretty random. So why not putting my shit out here?

I don't expect anything. I just wanted to throw some things out I guess?