winter - a ninjago

i | prologue

NYA

I didn't expect it to come to this, but I guess it did.

Actually, I did have a full on plan at home, but since I'm here doing this now, I may as well just leave them as "headache pills". Who else is gonna know anyway? No one would look that deep into antibiotics to think I'm gonna kill myself. Not that they'd care anyway, and even I've always got headaches.

The air was cold. I was freezing. I had just taken most of my clothes off, and now I was left with my underwear. Usually I'd be uncomfortable with this, but Number 1), I'm committing suicide here and Number 2), I'm alone. It's only 7:31pm, but I guess it's too cold and dark for anyone to go out. Usually I'd agree with this.

That was until tonight.

I mean, I haven't got many regrets. But I've got major ones. I don't know why I ever did the things I did, and if I could I'd take back all the decisions I've chose.

It's not only ruined my mind to the shell of the little kid it used to be, but it's my body. My stomach constantly hurts and I can't even remember the last time I got my period. Before I would've been bummed at that, cause I wouldn't have been able to have any kids. But now, I can't imagine myself even talking to a kid without making them cry.

Some mother I wanted to be.

Speaking of mothers, I wanted to talk about mine.

I miss her.

That sounds weird, cause she's still here. She's never chosen anyone over my brother and I, and she's never left without warning. (Well, except for the time Kai ran down the street when he was seven.)

I guess I just miss the time we spent together. We used to talk to each other about anything, and we'd never end up in an argument or with clear annoyance for each other. 

The reason for this? No. It's way to personal. And it just makes me want to stab myself a million times when I even think about it. I'm sorry, mom.

My dad wasn't much different compared to my mom. Both of them now struggle to speak positively of me without bringing up the time I was a sweet, innocent child that didn't know how fucked up this world was. Maybe that's why I'm like this now. 

Maybe that's why I'm doing this. 

Either way, my dad nor my mom are guilty for this. Even though they don't see me as a proper functioning human being anymore, it's not their fault. I get it, they just wanted to protect me, but by the time they found out, I was far too gone to be healed by a simple hug and some cookies. 

Although, I did hear them talking about sending me to a rehab institution. But the reason why it's been a while and I'm out here in the freezing winter night, is because they can't afford to plop me in a centre full of other crazy people like me. 

Huh, anyway, I guess I should get onto the "elephant in the room" so to speak. 

My brother. 

God, could Kai be anymore of a dickhead sometimes? Yeah, I guess. Is he also a hypocrite? Definitely. 

I remember only a few days ago (somehow) when he screamed at me for having sex. He said I was "stupidly using my body for sluts to take". And while he isn't wrong (I absolutely hate sex), he also fucks girls/boys left and right. I'm sick of seeing red LED lights now because of it. 

And while I know he's just yelling at me to keep me safe, he also doesn't even know that half of his friends were my "friends". Yeah, the friends that I dipped by to make myself feel less lonely when he was off fucking girls and my parents were off at their jobs. And although it's not their fault, it still was a pain when I had to come home high as fuck to no one as well. I just wanted someone to talk to about hedgehogs, I guess. 

God, I've done enough thinking. It's now 8:12pm. 

I took a breath as I looked up at the clear sky for the last time. My body shook with my inhale due to the even colder air. Looking down at my clothes, I hesitate to put them back on for extra warmth before I y'know, drown. But then I guess that would mean it would take longer to die, and I don't wanna be in anymore pain, thank you very much. 

"Fuck you Earth." 

I jump.