Loving Family

Faye: Evalynn's second 'first' Birthday

Hello, I told you Evalynn and Faye would come back didn't I!

Knowing Evalynn didn't have the most friends up here yet, and that she wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of having any of them round during the school holidays (as her best friend was away) I knew I had to make her birthday special. I'd always known once my daughter was home I'd make that first one of her birthdays with her amazing. And to start with I didn't entirely mean in the way that was normal for us with just spending time together. Although she was turning 12 I was almost as excited about it as I had been about Benjamin's first birthday. I'd set out planning something big and joyful that would have inevitably involved my parents and sister tagging along with us. But as I thought it through more, when I considered the way she still cuddled me so tightly and bounced around playing with Benjamin like she was a little kid just like him, I knew that what would make this birthday the most special to her would quite simply be the four of us celebrating together. She didn't want to spend her birthday doing anything much, I'd asked her that when I'd cooled back down off my plan making hotheadedness, and that also translated as 'it'll be amazing just the four of us'. I knew then that just getting to hug me for as long as she wanted on her birthday, inevitably snuggling close to me and pressing her face into my jumper as she always did, would probably make her year given she'd never had the chance on her birthday before, and I just wanted to hug her in return in a vague hope it would make up for all those birthday cuddles I'd missed. I had no idea if anything ever would, if anything could possibly take away the pain we clearly both felt about our time apart, but I wanted to make the most of all the time I had with her from now on. While she still had the childish tendency to snuggle as close up against me as she could get I wanted to press her against me and squeeze her gently, because every now and then it still didn't feel quite real that she was at home with me. There were still occasionally mornings when I woke up convinced that it was all some big complicated dream and that she still lived miles away from me (or worse that I hadn't even found her) and then she'd come and hug me or I'd find a random jumper or teddy of hers somewhere and I'd suddenly be reminded it wasn't. That my little pre-teen mini-me was home and with me and truly safe - as I knew I would never let any deliberate harm come to Evalynn, partly where I had very little idea what she'd been through in the past. I just wanted her to have a safe and happy rest of her childhood and teens, no matter what may happen over the coming years.

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"Faye just sleep. It's okay, tomorrow will be amazing." Mick moaned as I lay awake.
"I know. I'm just excited to get to celebrate Evvy's birthday with her." I told him, grinning up at the ceiling just thinking about how in a few short hours I'd get to wish her a happy birthday in person for the first time ever.
"Okay well calm down and go to sleep because then... oh god I've resorted to parenting at you again." He laughed.
I laughed too, rolling over to face him. "I can't sleep though, you know what I'm like." I snuggled in against him and he slipped one arm over me.
"I think sometimes you're worse than Ben. And probably Ev... dunno for sure yet with her." He told me with another quiet laugh.
Giggling and blushing slightly, I realised I had no idea what to say in reply to that. Eventually I had to break the silence. "I'm nearly mamma to a 12 year old. And I still basically don't know her." It was my one worry about my relationship with Evalynn, that there were still things about her I didn't know and knew I should.
"You do! Maybe not as much as you'd maybe like, but you know so much more than you did this time last year! It's fine okay? She's fine, she loves you. And you're learning about each other every day." He told me.
"But... but..."
"Okay think this way. Do you love her?"
I nodded. "So much." I mumbled
"Does she love you? Yeah! We all know that. I get that you feel guilty about leaving her for so long, for not trying your total hardest all the time to find her, for not making a connection earlier because of everything in the way, but you have the kind of relationship with her that some mothers and daughters never really have. I think, by this time next year it'll be like you two were never apart."
Biting back tears, I grinned. "I really hope you're right."
"I think I am. She's like you in so many ways, and one them you both want each other in your lives." Mick told me. "Just in the sweetest possible way you can't constantly worry about the past, you know that. Just make life good for her now."
Now really out of things to say, I snuggled up to him and tried not to think too much about mine and Evalynn's time apart instead just focusing on the happiness we'd already shared. That and Mick gently rubbing my back calmed me down and eventually I fell asleep.