out of the blue

chapter 1

As the sun hit the water's edge, the spark in her eyes began to fade out just like the rest of her world. She sat on the dunes, gaze locked upon the water, memories of the last seven and a half years of her life drifting past her eyes. It had all gone by in such an instant. Things with her family, her 3-emergency transfers of schools, her life was falling apart far beyond the seams like every page was being torn out, but nobody knew, nobody could ever know. She had to master the skill of keeping it hidden from everyone around her, sometimes even from herself. But not all the time. Looking down to all the cracked scars and broken memories. It all accounted for what she had gone through all alone, but the person behind it, that was what killed her the most—being locked up in a tiny space full of spiders and cobwebs she used to call a bedroom. Made to do work everywhere she walked, by her father. The one who helped bring her into this world. It was not how she imagined her life. She thought she would have everything, but everything always seemed to turn on her. At the end of the day, she didn't want anything, not even her own life. But after all, she had a different way of thinking after the way she had been, what you could say brought up.

Handfuls of money from the drugs he grew and sold, scattered and securely hidden around the small dark building they called a house. This place is what she was meant to call home, someplace she was meant to look to someone and know that she had a future. She was always going to be loved. But to tell you the truth, the taps were covered in a dense layer of green mould, and so was the inside of the empty fridge and any cupboard they used to have. Letting her go without any food or water as long as she was there. To her, something so little as a chocolate bar off the counter of the civic DVD shop down the road. It meant a little as some hope of not dying that night if her father didn't get to her and her little brother first. In all of this, she was made to clean the house and prepare the food for him, being his little slave every hour she was alive and still walking the earth.

There were countless times a day he would fall asleep to her tired little hands massaging his back; she can't even count the times he let her walk around the house with barely anything on, only to receive his sickening little grin plastered on his face. Never told to put something on, but the smile only grew wider every time she would take something off. At this point, she hadn't said anything to the only person left in her life who mattered to her the most. The boy who had indeed been there for her when she needed a sense of belonging, a sense that she was safe and truly loved in this cruel world we all choose to call home. He was the boy that spent 16 years not knowing who this girl was.

Throughout her middle school years, she was harassed and tormented by the others at school. The names she was called "slut" ....., "whore" ......, "useless"....., "nothing"....., "daddy's little mistake........" but the way they acted towards her was something she could so easily handle, asking to see underneath her clothes and send her photo's around spreading from school to school, this only added to the way she was feeling. To go home every night and walk past a mirror replaying those words in her head only made them seem even more faithful to her than they should have been. Words and phrases are constantly being thrown in her face. Bouncing off the mirror back at her, "hurry up and die, you fat ugly bitch, you are no use in this world, and you are just taking up space; there is a knife in the kitchen hurry and use it for something useful already". Looking into that mirror with tears rushing down her face as her vision becomes blurry, she drops to the floor as she passes out from not being able to breathe. She told herself that if people could say that to her and tell her those things, they must be true. To lock herself in the bathroom with the knife in her hand, it was all going to be over. She could finally go. Finally, do what everyone is telling her to do. To leave the darkness behind and never come back. That night I said to you that if you wanted to, you could leave me be. To go hang out with some friends because I needed to clean the house. You kissed me goodbye and said you wouldn't be too long. So, I waited at the window, watching you walk down the path with your friends. As soon as you turned the corner, I went to the bathroom to take a shower, knowing that you would probably come home late and that you might drink at the bar. I finished my shower after a good twenty minutes; I felt relaxed and fresh. I was drying myself off when I saw the mirror start to un-fog at the edges, slowly creeping its way to the centre. At this point, I was rushing against time to get dressed before it was clear, and I became visible to myself again. But it was too late... I could see my reflection, the girl with all the scars and burn marks on her body. Hair wet and dripping on the floor, just standing there looking at what had become of herself.

The following day you could sense there was something different. You woke up to a faint whimper from your bathroom. Having come home quite sober last night only ended up having half a bottle. You shot up in bed, discovering I wasn't next to you like I had been when you drifted off as I ran my hands through your hair last night. As soon as you realise I'm the one crying in pain, you jump to your feet and ask me if you can come in. I ask why you would want to. But the words "I love you too much to be on the other side of the door" come flowing out your mouth. I unlock the door, trying to cover my arms. Lurking by the door so you can't go in there, I cringe my arm behind me with a firm foot on the cold, wet tiles. You've known me too well to see that I'm hiding something as you force the door open. I see the perfect cue to run, but you lunge forward and grab hold of me. Just as I'm about to slip out of your reach, I whimper but go silent when I realise you can see in my eyes that your grip is hurting me. At this point, your angry and whisper under your breath, "What did you do, baby girl". Staring straight into my eyes with curiosity and pain, I could see how lost you were. You were standing there not knowing what to do; you never had a clue. I had never seen this vulnerable side of you before. I tell you "nothing" followed by quite a hard swallow. But you're not convinced. You never are about these things.

Kicking the blade to the side out of your view. Luckily you didn't notice this. You pushed the sleeves of my jumper up, so you could see and expose what I was hiding from everyone. to your surprise, I had cuts all down my arms, and your next thought was to check my neck. The face of relief flooded over you, which calmed me down. You pulled me closer and wrapped me into a tight hug putting a hand on the back of my head letting me gently lean on your chest. "it's all going to be ok ", is the last thing I heard you whisper to me as I shut my eyes. The only thing is I'm not there again when you wake up. You were always curious about where I disappeared, but this time, it wasn't by choice. At this time, you had music softly humming in the background.

"I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know. I played it cool when I was scared of letting go" the lyrics caught your attention as your focus went back to find me, "Gabrielle", you yelled down the hall, waiting for a response. You call again, hoping to hear a tiny voice reply at your request. It was silent like the crickets singing to the night sky. Your journey began to find the missing soul you loved so dearly.