'Mood' writing

crying while writing

Everyday there is something new wrong with me. Everyday I have to deal with you talking down to me, calling me names, judging me, and the newest thing that isn't really everyday but whenever you get to the point of no return is hitting me. I never thought that you of all people would do that to me. I try everyday to show you how I feel about you and try to show you that I appreciate not only you but EVERYTHING you have done for me. like yesterday you were drinking again and had the music so loud it hurt not only my ears but I'm sure it hurt my dog's ears as well which is probably why he didn't mind me playing with his ears cause usually he hates when I do that. but yesterday I left you alone to drink and vibe like you always ask. I stayed up even to the point where I was falling asleep in the chair just waiting for you to turn it off so I can finally go to bed without the loud music. Cause you are known for doing that till damn near 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning especially when you know I have to be at work early in the morning the next day. But last night I made sure to leave you alone. I swear I did. I didn't judge you for drinking so much. I didn't complain about hearing the same 10 songs you always play ALL THE TIME. I didn't complain about you trying to be funny and try to hug me from behind cause you wanted to be funny and grab on a boob. I just let you be. which is why today I am so confused... this morning you thanked me for leaving you alone and letting you do all that you did yesterday. but when I got home from work today and I told you while at work that I wanted to talk because i thought that's what friends do when they are down or upset they talk to their closest friend about it... I hurried home today because I thought after yesterday and everything else that has happened today you wouldn't mind or anything about us having a conversation or a vent section or whatever you want to call it. but sadly I was wrong after I told you how I felt about what's going on at work you wanted to compare thing with our home life. you also threw it in my face again how I was thrown out the beginning of the year and that you could've just left my dog and I living in my car. if you only knew how much that fuckin hurt to hear you say that and how much it hurt when you threw not only that but the private things i told you out of confidence. all of it just to get thrown back into my face, yet here I am trying to be a good friend and not bring up any mistakes you have told me because being petty or getting even doesn't really get you anywhere.so yes I cried and yes you called me a crybaby again and began mocking and picking on me like you always do. but honestly if you only knew how much it hurts and breaks me on the inside... I literally and truly believe I have no one. I'm afraid to open up now to anyone. I have more walls up than anything. even my coworker whom I recently became close to has told me that. She is worried about me and I don't even know how to explain or express anything out of fear she too will throw it back in my face or something. I also try not to tell her somethings because she has enough problems of her own. All I know is now I am mentally worse than I was before and the thoughts in my head just get worse and worse every time we fight... the other day I honestly almost did it... I almost took my life... I know you wouldn't care you already said if I died you would just move on like nothing happened because death is apart of life and people waste time being sad and mourning. So I know you wouldn't care at all. my family would but not you. I think the only reason I didn't which will sound weird or funny is because of the way my dog looked at me. it was as if he was mentally talking to me through his eyes. it looked as if he were saying, "what are you doing? if you go i have no one. no one will care for me or anything. you know they will give me away or put me down." And all I could was cry and hold him because I truly believe he is the ONLY one that will love me no matter what as well and be there no matter what.