The colors of spring and winter

November 3rd

Sorry this chapter is not the best, I am having writers block and trying to push through.

Oasis

A peaceful escape.

When the day goes on my only escape is continuing it.

Staying up to the early hours of the morning in the quiet of the night.

Creating beautiful paintings to the sound coming through my headphones.

Listening to my favorite songs alone in my bedroom.

Coming up with ideas that may or may not see the light of day.

Oath

A promise.

While I don't know what my future holds,

I don't know who or what I'll be tomorrow.

But I know that throughout all of this,

Throughout all of this I will give it my best,

My best effort, the most I can do,

Because there's so much to lose when you don't.

My best my look different every day,

As does everyone I've ever met,

But I assure myself I will do what I can.

Oblivious

The state of being unaware of the often obvious.

I don't know if he's aware of how I feel about him,

And on that I don't know if he ever will.

When I have a crush I want to be with them,

When I love them I want them to be happy,

No matter who they wish to hold hands with.

Ominous

A general sense that something bad is about to occur.

I've been told the medication is supposed to help me,

Supposed to increase my function in this world,

But it feels far from true.

I can't think clearly,

I can't focus,

I can't do the things I love.

The blue and black that is supposed to go away hasn't,

Some of it got worse actually.

I cannot be apart of my life like I used to,

I am floating on a cloud far away from everyone else.

Omnipresence

Something that is everywhere all the time.

For some time I've felt a sense of emptiness that follows me everywhere I go.

It seems like someones dug a hole within me,

Sometimes I can feel where they took the shovel to my chest.

Occasionally the hole leaves me but never for long.

Ooze

To flow slowly.

We first started talking in a collective, never between just us two.

I enjoyed our conversations, even if it wasn't just us.

Soon enough it was just me and you, just you and me.

We'd talk about our days and what paths our lives were taking.

We text for hours sometimes from sunrise to sunset

At some point I realized that despite circumstances,

to me you were more than just a friend.

I think about you all the time, and often wonder if you do the same.

We have so much fun talking and taking photos,

I hope you're well.

Orbit

A move around something intensely.

I wish he understood how much we are planets in the solar system revolving around him.

I wish he was able to comprehend how much pain he is causing.

But then again, part of me hopes he doesn't experience the crushing guilt,

The crushing guilt I have felt myself.

Ordinarily

Most often occurring.

Things recently have been everything but ordinary,

It appears that the ground is crumbling around me,

The second I get onto solid earth things start to shake again.

Maybe things aren't all that bad, but I love the ordinary.

Organize

To add coordination and structure.

As time moves like a quick bear I become more aware of the things I can't control.

It's not my job to control every aspect of my world but it is my job to be joyful where I can.

Adding my little routines where I can.

Outcast

Someone or something that is strange or sticks out.

Throughout my life there have been times of great connection and isolation.

There are times when I have a big great group with many different faces,

There have also been times when I had few friends if any at all.

There have been varying degrees of authenticity,

Times when I sang whatever song was playing in my head that day,

And times where I looked at other people and sang what I thought others wanted to hear.

Throughout all these times there has always been a glass wall,

A glass wall between me and others that I do not quite understand.