[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[58.] The haunted past.

- Wangji...

Lan Xichen was standing in the doorway, pale and breathless. He had heard just the last sentences, but he knew well what this all was about. Now he was watching his husband sob, and turned towards his brother:

- Leave. Please. Now!

Frowning, Hanguang-Jun stood up and bowed to the both of them, leaving in a hurry. As soon as the door was closed again, Jiang Cheng ran to his husband, desperately seeking his warmth, sobbing awfully. Lan Xichen held him tightly.

- I am so sorry, my little one...  -  he murmured.  –  I am afraid my brother has... his own way... of doing things. I am just sorry he trusts me so little.   –  he said sadly.

- I don't care. I don't care about Hanguang-Jun...  -  Jiang Cheng gasped, breathlessly.  –  But you... My love, you... all this pain... Huan...

- Forget about it. It is in the past, kitten.  –  Lan Xichen murmured gently, caressing his hair. –  I have made my peace.

- Is it true...  -  Jiang Cheng said very quietly. –  Am I your... rebound?

Two large scared eyes looked up and Lan Huan's heart broke. He shook his head and kissed his forehead.

- You want to talk about it?  –  he muttered weakly.

Jiang Wanyin nodded. He needed answers. He let himself be lifted off the ground and carried to the bed. They lay there, silent for a while, staring at each other, caressing each other, sad.

- Everything my brother told you is true.  –  Zewu-Jun whispered finally.

- Do you love me?  -  Jiang Cheng asked desperately.

- I love you very much. You are my dream... too good to be true, A-Cheng...  -  Lan Xichen murmured.

- Hold me. I don't feel so good.  -  Jiang Cheng whimpered.

Lan Xichen held him in his embrace, speaking softly in his hair now:

- I was lost. I was foolish. Perhaps I was young. And I had to grow old within just months, weeks. But I have no regrets, my love. Every person we meet in our lives is a lesson; I had to learn the hard way how to appreciate the true things, the genuine things.

Jiang Cheng reached up and kissed his cheek, listening carefully, enjoying the petting, snuggled in his clothes. 

Lan Huan went on:

- It is true. You are his opposite... But I have not chosen you; you were delivered at my door, and I barely knew you. I could see you are beautiful, but this meant nothing to me... Appearances are deceiving, and change in time. All the time I thought that you hate me, kitten... You were forced to do this  –  I rather had the obligation to do it, like a task, an assignment... You were a victim in this story, and I truly believed that you despised me... I thought there was no point in even trying to get to know you... So I kept apart... I was desperate, lonely... It was all meaningless. I had lost everything.

He sighed deeply, but felt his husband's hands slide over his back, hugging him, hiding his face in his robe  –  his patience and trust were making his heart melt.

- No one was more surprised than myself when I found myself in love with you, Wanyin... You were brought to me, wounded, dying, and I realized I didn't want you to die. I took care of you, staring at this lovely face, at this amazing body... afraid that you'd never feel the same. That day, in the garden, when I asked you for a kiss... I was so scared, my love... I ran out of air, my heart was bursting... I really expected you to push me away and say "no"...  -  he sighed.

Jiang Wanyin tried to bury himself deeper into his clothes, hugging him even tighter, if that was possible.

- You ask me if this is a rebound... I am not sure I know. But if it ever was  –  I would have been finished with it all by now. I definitely wouldn't want a child if this was just a fling... I am not sure I want a fling... It is not my nature... Not any more...  -  he was thinking out loud, lost in memories.

- Wangji is worried; I understand. He believes that I love you too much, just like before, and he dislikes you because he thinks you will break my heart, leaving me... deceiving me... This is the way his brain works, his logic is black-and-white.  –  he smiled faintly.  –  The fact that he married your brother is still a mystery to me...Wei Qianbei is anything but black-and-white.

Jiang Cheng looked up from between his arms, frowning. He didn't want to listen about his brother right at that moment.

- But you see, my sweetest...  -  Lan Xichen murmured, staring down at his face lovingly. –  I don't think you will leave... or that you are lying to me when you tell me you love me... I know you, Wanyin... I know you so well now... I often thank the Gods for my luck, because what I really think is that we were meant to be together...

- Oh, Huan...  -  Sandu Shengshou whimpered, reaching up to kiss his neck and cheek. –  I have been only trouble for you...  -  he mumbled.

- We always have to fight for the good things in our lives, darling. No good thing, no perfect thing comes easy... I firmly believe this to be true.  –  Zewu-Jun said calmly.