...

OK so to start, I am not diagnosed with any mental illnesses. I've seen a councellor twice, and I honestly hate them. They don't help and are generally pointless.

I don't remember the last time I could feel a proper emotion. It was definitely over a year ago... I don't know.
Recently I've been... Unstable, I guess. Mainly, I just feel not alone, not guilty, but undeserving of the mates I have. Or had by now... I just think I am an asshole to them. I kind of forced that thought into my head though, kind of to give me a reason to feel the way I do. Basically, when I had my friends they pulled sort of intervention type things where they asked me what was going on and shit and they sort of convinced me that I have depression.. I can't remember what I said really so please don't be all 'oh what'd you say to them?' Coz I don't know. I've been in denial to myself about the whole idea coz my life isn't hard... I used to have a mate and her life was fucked up so it made since she has severe depression, anxiety, the list goes on. So yeah, in denial. So over the past couple weeks I've been pushing my group of mates away. Some have texted me 'wtf is going on with you?' And shit but u don't really want to tell them. I mean I do but I don't want to be seen as an attention seeker and make a big deal of nothing, you know? So I've really just walked around school at breaks. Recently I've been having a hell of a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I want to kill myself which is partly why I am isolating myself. But I kind of know I won't do it. I don't even know what I'm afraid of really. And I get this really annoying nervous feeling at least once a day and I have no idea why... It pisses me off. Also, i feel kind of dead sometimes. Like if i sit and watch something for long enough, i dont feel real. Its strange. And yes, I do cut. Sometimes for no reason, sometes to let all my emotions drip out. Other times its because seeing me bleed reminds me im alive, im human and i can still breathe. Thats another thing - i never used to but now sometimes i feel like i cant breathe, but its wierd becaise qhile i feel like that i am breathing perfectly fine... I dont understand it.

Anyway, I think that's it so far. If I think of anything else I will probably edit it in somewhere, so this will end up as just one novel sized chapter..

So yeah, bye for now guess...