(TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS)
I started having suicidal thoughts at 12.
I started cutting at 13. You get more blood with the wrists, but I never wanted anyone to see the cuts, so I kept them on my upper arms.
I committed my first of many suicide attempts at 21.
i was scared washing the dishes because everytime i see the knives i pictured myself slashing my neck with it.
I stopped everything. dancing, because i was getting too weak. I stopped talking to my friends because i don't want to be a burden to them.
It was the pinnacle of months of crashing.
of 3 hours of sleep per day, most of the time i couldn't sleep so kept on taking sleeping pills, until it doesn't work for me no more. and i also can't eat properly because everytime i eat i puke everything.Of staring at the ceiling and not knowing how to get out of bed. Of feeling shame and guilt about my weakness, but lacking the capacity to do anything about it.
went to the go on a vacation before going back to school. i saw a cliff. i wanted to jump.
My friend got to me in time.
I started working with kids, whenever i'm with them i forgot all about my suicidal thoughts.
I started laughing again. I stopped taking sleeping pills. I started enjoying life again. Started dancing again. Started eating properly. Talking to my family and friends. Waking up at a reasonable time. I started planning for the future again. There are days when I still crash, but I am getting better. Slowly, yet noticeably.
Depression and anxiety literally almost killed me.
The world was grey, and I felt worthless, hopeless. I could not see a future most days. There was nothing for me to hold on to but the black hole in my chest swallowing me every time I took a breath. I did not want to exist anymore. I did not want to tell friends and family. Did not want to be a burden. I felt so heavy, and the only reasonable solution for me was to jump.
Depression and anxiety almost killed me.
Depression and anxiety almost killed me.
Depression and anxiety almost killed me.
I want to repeat that for all the people who cannot say to their loved ones that their depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses are killing them every single day.
For every one who cries quietly to themselves every sleepless night, alone in a world of 7 billion. For the breathless. For the ones stuck in the dark. For the ones with no choice but to trudge through their lives, silent sufferers who want nothing more than peace, finally.
This is for you.
You, the fighter.
You, the beloved.
You, the worthy.
Stigma against mental health in this country is rampant. We are told to get over it. We are told that mental illnesses are only for the wealthy. We are told we are imagining things, that there are bigger problems to occupy ourselves with. We have heard it all.
Don’t let mental illness kill someone you love.
Show compassion.
Listen.
Reach out.
If you can, speak out and take a stand.
There is no shame in mental illness, just as there is no shame in any disease and heart conditions. What we need is not judgment nor lectures, but a safe space, medical attention and therapy if warranted, support, love, and understanding.
Let us speak out against the ignorance. Let our voices be a tidal wave. Let us not allow the ignorant and uneducated drown us in guilt we do not deserve.
If you need help, or just need to talk, I am here. You don’t have to go through this alone. If this post reaches just one person and helps them away from the edge, it will have done its purpose.
It's still hard sometimes, but it is so much better now.
I owe a huge part of that to the people who didn't let me go, fiercedly loved me thru it all. :)
