The Ike, and the jar

Humble Beginnings (Horny)

***Record scratching***

So, here I am. You're probably wondering how I got myself into this situation, huh? Currently, I'm completely naked in the middle of the Buckland Hills mall food court, and I have my penis stuck in a bodypillow of one of my various Fight Nights at Freddies OC's from middle school. This is a poor situation for both me and Alice Jade Melody the 23rd. Letting myself get tricked into this situation was a travesty. The intimate moments that one might share with his OC is not something to be taken lightly, however being put into a situation where others could see this personal and erotic act was not my cup of tea. 

In order for those reading to be able to understand why all of this was happening, you would have to understand the events prior. Enter *David* >:(. This man is the embodiment of utter chastity. His... "complex" views of women leave him completely and utterly in the friendzone of every female he meets. Constantly, he eradiates an aura of pure virginity, to the point where even men in the general vicinity get agitated by this overwhelming source of beta cuck energy. 

I, myself, Icarus McBigdickarus, was tasked with the impossible: find this man a girlfriend free companion, to whom he may spend his tender nights with, and to whom he could share his deepest secrets (Yes David, if you're reading this I know about your supposed spat with George Lopez. Tough buddy. Tough.)

Arriving at Davids's humble abode, his father welcomed me at the door on his hands and knees.

"PLEASE IKE!!!!" He exclaimed in a begging matter, " Replace David and become my son! You were the child I've always wanted and the perfect positive brother figure for Wayne!"

To this, I replied "No lol"

David's father completely and utterly imploded. No traces left. Kinda felt bad for him. Anyway, I stormed up to David's room. each step echoing through the house like thunder, my thighs lightly jiggled with each step. My booty was popping in these apple-bottom jeans. Boots with the fur. You know the deal. Opening David's door with my profuse amounts of swag, I was greeted by an all the too-familiar stench of... oh god what the fuck is he doing.

"AH, WHAT THE HELL!"

Appearing before me was David,  in a state of mind that could only be described as bliss. He was sitting on his bed, completely naked. The only thing covering up his strangely deformed penis was... this... poor poor Roomba. Oh god, this poor Roomba. David has this Roomba positioned so that his corkscrewed-shaped penis would fit into the sucking part of the portable vacuum. He continued in this state for about two seconds until finally registering that I was there. The moment he opened his eyes, he fell into a complete state of panic and pulled the sheets from his bed over his lap, trying to cover the fact that he had a literal machine trying to give him sloppy toppy. 

 With a look of utter disgust, I said "I'm here to take you out to the mall, you said you wanted help picking up women."

"Ah okay let me get ready, do you mind stepping out for a minute? I have something I need to finish..."

I left the room while hearing faint Roomba whirs from under the sheets as if it was asking for help...

Now, fast-forward to our trip to the mall. David currently being David, took out what appears to have been a sign that listed his specifications for a woman. In retaliation to his dumb fucking idea of a pickup sign, I scribbled out all of the text on it and under the requirements section wrote: "has a pulse". He shit himself and cried. Sitting around in one of the various chairs lying around the common areas, David asked me a question:

"Hey Ike, have you ever, you know... *gags* had the sex?

"Of course I have dumbass," I replied, "I have it literally every night. Doesn't have to be with a woman you know. I discovered that with the right amount of lube and two sponges in a pringles can, you can put that shit anywhere and go absolutely dummy on that thing. Did the same thing to my OC bodypillow last night!"

"Wow! you should show me your technique? Please I really want to know how to have the secks!"

David quivered with anticipation. I knew I couldn't disappoint him. Conveniently, I had managed to bring my 5-foot long body pillow in my specialized bodypillow carrying bag. 

"Here, follow me to a changing room in Hollister, I'll show you how it's done. Entering a changing room I took out my OC bodypillow, my makeshift fleshlight, and my rock-hard 24inch roman statue of a cock. Once I got my setup complete, I instructed David on a proper technique he should use on a girlfriend-free boy. Even considering the infinitely-high boyfriend factor, he was still in awe. However, for some strange reason, this awe turned into utter joy. David, or who I thought was David, stood up after about 10 minutes of watching me pound away at my Alice Jade Melody bodypillow and pulled off a mask. It was him. The one the real David foretold me of. George Lopez. 

Mr. Lopez smiled with his crazy smile.

"I'm sorry young one. I was searching for the one creating such a disproportionate curve in the swag-space continuum. To think it was only one as young as you. It's a pity. If I had found you sooner you could have been my apprentice. However, with you aged as much as you have, you have become too much of a threat to my crown as the master of swag and sex. I have decided to corner you and completely shut down your confidence, eliminating your contending position as swag master"

"What, what do you mean. how did you do this? No... No....... what are you doing with that remote? STOP!"

George Lopez, taking a remote out of his completely loose sphincter, clicked a bright red button in the middle of the device. After a bit of rumbling, I felt something clamp around my 72-inch member and realized I had some sort of paralyzing potion spreading throughout my veins. The walls of the room started to fall back, as it was revealed that it was not actually a Hollister store, it was the mall food court. And that is how I got here. Cock deep in my OC bodypillow, crying with George Lopez standing over me and my confidence destroyed. I would never be the swaggy sex master of all time, and it was all George Lopez's fault.