Genuine Appeal

When it All Began

When did someone begin to have that genuine appeal? We all start off the same way, ugly as *F! babies. We cried a lot, and wanted attention all the time. Never were we satisfied, never and nothing mattered but sleeping, eating and dumping out waste.

Endless and sleepless days and nights were what my parents had, like many who went through the baby syndrome. All their worries and concentration was on this infant child, is it healthy, is it eating properly and is it getting enough sleep. Their own well being wasn't a concern of theirs. They woke up with dark circles, hair all gnarly and breathe all stinky, whew! It wasn't the cute smelling baby breathe but one that wrecked, "please pay attention to yourself". They didn't care because their only concern was the baby. That baby, he/she ( or whatever pronoun you'll give it later) that child was/is the center of their universe.

Fast forward to my 18th birthday, all they did was invest in my well-being, in my happiness. As parents they forgot about their partner/significant other, did they even have any time to care for each other or themselves anymore? Who knew, did that matter to moi?? Anyways, hopefully this isn't the case for most parents. But priority number one was me, me, and me....I loved it!!... I was/is the center of their universe, they didn't care about anything else. My childhood was filled with sweetness, fun children's parties thrown for me, year after year after year...Yeah! Teenage parties and sleepovers outside the backyard in sleeping bags, under the stars on the lawn. High school summer BBQs with all the best of the best, the most popular kids. I would fart, belch and pick MY nose in front of my parents friends...No one said anything. They all just laughed at me, well at least until I was 7 years old. After that they just looked at me in disguise, really??. Well, I guess I can't blame them. What I was never allowed to do was to curse, cuz my parents were really, adamantly against that...HMMMM, REALLY??? ANYWAYS Life was good, no life was great, life was amazing!

This was my life, creme de la creme of being with all sorts of kids, living an uberish sorta lifestyle. I had heard from other parents, when they tried to keep their voices down while speaking with each other, that my parents weren't rich, not even middle class really. So how was this possible, the kinda childhood lifestyle I got...At that time, my universe was me...Did I ponder too much about it, did I concern myself with my days and nights pondering over it, hell "NO!" I was their pride and joy, their everything. I didn't make the decision for them to give me it ALL, nothing but the best they would say for our little darling....

Who didn't or wouldn't want my lifestyle?? Who wasn't envious of this, what I had....I already was an All Star even before I had to do anything to earn it, to receive it. My parents gave me so much that at times I felt kinda guilty, when I say kinda I mean, you know only a little bit. It was on them, they wanted to have me and sacrifice whatever they had for my happiness. "Hell yeah!" I was gonna take it. I was the plant they gave sunshine to, the rich soil they poured on and made sure it was well nourished. I was their little seed, their whole world. The CENTER of their world. I was the alpha and the omega, me, moi y yo!!...Nada mas, Si Vous Plait .

Ok. As you can see, my narcissism started pretty early...Like crack cocaine, I was already high on myself....So there, hahaha, when you're a spoiled brat like me you get to have your cake and eat it too. My parents gave and gave and gave!!. I of course did the only thing I knew, that was take, and take and take! How did I get this richy, rich life with parents who had mediocre jobs, who took on two jobs at times and worked OverTime most of the time. This was the start, the beginning of my understanding about my parents, their genuine appeal with people and who they were before me, moi! REALLY, before MOI??? How inconceivable...

But how, how and why could I even mouthed I had genuine appeal, UNLIKE my parents. It appears from the beginning I would be the most hated, despised, loathed after person. Yes, I got away with it as a kid, but how could I have been a pleasant person to be with as a human being, an adult in the world. Who in their right mind would want to have anything to do with me. I was such a rotten apple that I couldn't see or understand who would consider me to be an ill mannered person, who, who and WHO???...

We'll revisit my parents and their genuineness later..After all we're still about me...ME! Here's where it all started, where it all began after I exited my parents home, as I headed out on my own. As I entered the adult world, the real world, going away to school, far, far away from my parents I had my, per se enlightening moment, my understanding, my reckoning. This was the actual rude awakening and reckoning that started my slow integration to my miniscule mature adulthood mindset. When I say, understanding and slow, Yep, it was that...a very slow process. Does anyone remember CLUELESS...You know the Asian cluelisness, is not that far from the American one...still DUMB...I couldn't see and/or understand what people were seeing in ME they didn't like, cuz afterall I am very likeable, No?

Now, what I really mean to say is when I sorta saw what people saw in moi, at that time, I was studying abroad in Asia. People in this land ARE VERY polite, sweet natured people AKA my parents and their friends. My parents only had friends who, when over our house, were always kind to me. Said, "Hey, Jan" they for whatever reason couldn't say Chan..How I hated being called Jan, ANYWAYS... Your parents are so proud of you. I was always given praises, words of affirmation like you are going to be amazing when you grow up..Of course I beamed like my headlights were on when they said that. I really didn't distinguish the difference between them being kind or them being sarcastic. Both were the same to me, same/same but different was what I learned in Asia.

Not realizing that many of them, AKA my parents friends, really could stand me. They were my parents' friends, they were always kind to me. After all, my parents have Genuine Appeal. Whatever that was..I never understood how my parents always had such wealthy friends when they were "oh so poor". No college degree, mediocre jobs and definitely not very attractive people, if I'm being honest. Somehow people just loved them, loved their company. Couldn't get enough of their time. What I didn't know AT the time was how my parents were never phonies. They were the most genuine people you'll ever meet. Their love for each other was genuine, how they respected each was genuine, how they gave to others was genuine. I thought most people were like that, LIKE THEM. I didn't see or know anything else besides the way they were so I assumed everyone was like them. Always self sacrificing, always lending/giving everything they had to anyone who needed it. How did I turn out the way I did, I certainly didn't feel or think the way they did. All their giving and self sacrifice made me the way I am....Just the opposite!

So here I was in the land of the rising sun. I landed in Japan, the most respectful, most kind, loving, self-sacrificing place. I was all the way here from Fresno, California where it was the land of the raisin in the sun. Where people looked literally like raisins and knew it! From Fresno, you didn't ask for permission, you took what you thought was yours without asking, only taking. Definitely people there didn't know the two most important words after taking, which was "THANK YOU!" Where the soil was just as hot as the weather, 3 digit degrees for the most part in the summer, foggy and dreary in the winter. Nothing really charming about the place called Fresno. People just seemed so old, out of shape and highly unintelligent. That's where my parents chose to have me, I was embedded there of ALL places. Couldn't I have been conceived and raised anywhere else? It had to be the unforsaken Fresno, California raisin in the sun torture hole. That was my mentality, very weak of course at the time.

Let's continue with my rude awakening.. No one ever could/would say, I was just a girl. I was NOT just a girl, I was hella a girl. Wrecking ball, hot blooded, ill mannered little girl. Listen, Listen, if men/boys could be rude and crude why couldn't I??