[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[75.] The visit. [TW]

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The days were calm and tender, but only on the outside. Both Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng were very nervous about the doctor's visit, but tried to hide it  –  each for his husband's sake. 

Jiang Cheng felt strange; it was like his weak days were misplaced  –  and the lunar month never ended. He was often standing in the middle of Zewu-Jun's study, staring at the calendar on the wall, wondering. The usual pains were absent, but food was a huge problem, and so was sleep. He just couldn't sleep.

At first he thought it was stress, nerves. He was doing his best to hide it from Lan Huan, waiting desperately for him to fall asleep, staying very still, cuddled in his embrace  –  and then he would spend the night staring at his sleeping face, fascinated and deeply in love. 

But days passed, and this went on and on, and it was getting harder for him to compensate the lack of rest. He was feeling tired all the time, and Zewu-Jun was constantly worried. They tried all different types of tea  –  but very often tea made him sick too.

He was hopeful. All this meant he was with child, right? But then he would remember all the blood that he lost, and his heart would stop in his chest. He was losing weight, couldn't keep his food down, worried sick, exhausted. He kept to the bed on most days, and on the good days his heat would suffocate him, and they would stay in bed all day long, all night long, getting together, lost in each other, and sharing their tenderness for hours on end. 

Life felt like sleepwalking.

***

The doctor arrived a day late, and everyone was on edge. There were already rumors around the House as to why the Master was so sick most of the time  –  when Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen got married most disciples had expected the Masters to be training and sparring together more, and teaching more. But they spent most of the time in privacy, alone. It was puzzling.

This time Zewu-Jun stayed next to his husband, holding his hand all the time. He needed to hear absolutely everything, and ask his questions. Jiang Wanyin disrobed for the check-up, suddenly awfully self-conscious, not because of the doctor, but because of his husband. There was no logic to it, as he was the one who knew him best, but he was all flushed and dared not meet his eyes. 

He was answering the physician's questions, shivering slightly when his fingers pressed on his abdomen, and then checked between his open legs. He was biting his lips, pale and breathless.

- I am so sorry, Master.  –  he shook his head sadly.  –  I know that you want to hear something different, but you lost your child... You have had further bleeding, I am guessing?  –  he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jiang Wanyin nodded, shyly.

- Yes. Twice.

- Wanyin!!!  –  Lan Xichen exclaimed, horrified.  –  Why don't I know about this?!

He just shook his head, pale and exhausted by all the emotions.

- Hmmm, yes. Your body was just cleaning itself. It is normal after a miscarriage...  -  the doctor said.  –  Well, I am guessing you could try again, in a couple of months. You are both young and strong, it shouldn't be a problem. But, Master, this time you shouldn't strain yourself so much. Stress can cause a miscarriage often. And as this is your first  –  I am guessing....?

Jiang Wanyin nodded sadly.

- It happens more than you think. Women often lose their first baby because they simply do not know how to take care of themselves... Of course, it happens when they are 14-15 years old...  -  he frowned.

Jiang Cheng turned his head to the side to hide his tears. He didn't want to hear about other women.

- But, Lǎo Zǐ...  -  Lan Xichen was frowning.  –  Tell me how he has all those symptoms still? He is so sick... and the heat? And he just cannot sleep...

Sandu Shengshou turned his head sharply, now glaring at him and brushing tears away.

- You knew?  –  he growled.

- Silly boy...  -  Lan Huan murmured, caressing his hand.  –  How do you reckon? We sleep together every night... I worry for you, Jiang Wanyin!

The doctor hummed, and stroked his beard thoughtfully.

- It happens sometimes. Rarely. Something called a "false pregnancy". I am guessing the Master really, deeply wanted a child?

Both nodded, staring into each other's eyes mournfully.

- It happens... When a woman really craves for a baby strongly. She might have all the symptoms, but not be pregnant. I am guessing this is what's happening. Once your body settles down, it shall pass, Master. Your body's fluids are still running wild.

- And otherwise? How is he?  –  Lan Huan asked tersely.

- The Master needs to rest. Fewer emotions, he needs peace and quiet. Strong food  –  wine and meat and offal. We need to make his blood strong again. I know that losing a child is never easy, but you can try again. And both of you need to be strong enough to try again. Don't give in to sorrow, Masters.

He bowed and left to give instructions for the housekeeper as to diet and herbs.

***

Jiang Cheng covered himself with all the blankets, shivering, but not because of the cold. Lan Huan leaned in to kiss his cheek.

- Darling... My poor darling...  -  he whispered, but the anger in his voice could be easily discerned.

- Promise me you won't do anything stupid, Zewu-Jun...  -  Jiang Cheng said weakly reached up to caress his face.

- Hmmm.  –  he clenched his teeth.  –  We both know who is to blame for all this.

- Your brother.  -  Sandu Shengshou frowned, remembering that awful  conversation again. –  And my mother. And me, perhaps... I should have been more careful... I was warned, Zewu-Jun.  –  he said darkly.

- I cannot forget, Wanyin. And I will definitely never forgive.  –  Lan Xichen looked scary, and now his voice sounded menacing, despite the simple sentences he was saying.

- No... Huan, no... Please...  -  Jiang Wanyin was on the verge of crying again.  –  No more wars. No more... Stay with me. I cannot lose you.

Zewu-Jun joined him in bed, and they stayed like this, hugging and silent, for hours. 

Jiang Wanyin fell asleep unnoticeably, curled next to his husband, soaking up his warmth and comfort. He now knew; it was some sort of an awful closure, so he could rest some. 

Lan Xichen was looking down at him with love and sorrow, caressing his hair tenderly, thinking about the impossible pain that was probably tearing him apart now. He knew that he had fallen asleep just because of utter exhaustion.