Not just once that I tried sitting for my exam as a nurse but five times.
Imagine that feeling when you enter the room and the proctor will guide you to your computer table, It is devastating. Once i click on start exam I know that I really need to focus and try to remember those things that I've studied from 6am in the morning til 3pm in the afternoon. Here goes question number 1... "putang ina" lahat ng choices feeling ko tamang sagot. So I chose the best option na alam kong tama. Then question number 2, number 3 hanggang umabot na ako ng question 75 at bago ko iclick ang next button, grabe ang panalangin ko na sana magstop na ang computer pero ayun ulit nagtuloy tuloy hanggang umabot ako ng question 140.
Isa lang ang nasa isip ko nung paglabas ko ng testing center ko, yun ay ang sinabi sa akin na kahit ano pa ang gut feeling ko ay think positive pa din. Alam nyo bang ginawa ko yon sa previous exams ko kasama ng maraming panalangin na sana ibigay na ng Ama ang minimithi kong apat na letra sa result ng exam ko. Di ko naman ineexpect na apat na letra din ang binigay nya sa akin at yun ay ang mga letrang 'FAIL' .
Pagkakita ko ng mga letrang yon wala akong nagawa kundi manlumo sa sarili ko. I was expecting that this time instead of a FAIL ay PASS na ang ibigay nya sa akin, pero ayun bagsak pa din.
Sabi sa akin bago ako mag exam "okay lang kahit di ka makapasa, eh di magtake ka nalang ulit", pero alam nyo ba na ang taong nagsabi non ay sya pa ang unang taong hindi ako kinausap at mas pinili nyang maghinagpis at malungkot instead of him comforting me. People tend to say things that we wanted to hear but if that situation comes to worst you are left alone to face the circumstances and effect of failing. Grabe! Di ko inexpect na ganito mafeefeel ko, I wanted to get a rope and tie my neck somewhere, buti nalang walang pagsasabitan at buti nalang mabigat ako. I have thought of taking the knife too and wanted to stab myself but I cannot do it. I might think of anything to end my life right now but my mind won't agree with my plans.
I just feel so alone most of the time and I felt like my life is such a mess and I am such a failure. Not just in my exams but literally my life.
I hated it when I become a burden to people who lives me, I know they wanted to understand and they wanted to be with me pero tao lang din sila, nagsasawa, at napapagod. I don’t blame anyone of what happened in my life and to think I only have myself to blame.
Well I would like to tell you if ever you read this, I have done my best to make you feel loved and cared for. I know you have done your part as well and the problem is not yours to shoulder. I just hope that when you read this, you have no grudge against me and that you are already happy with your life without me in it.
"I am better off alone"
