Dear Dayl,
I bet this time of night you're still up, tired from a long hard week. You’re probably sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the stars scattered across the dark nights sky and the bright glow of the moon on the fields below. I know it been a long time since we talked and there’s so many things I could never say to you in person that I need to get off my chest.
I remember the time you brought me to meet your parents. I was so nervous and you held my hand tightly to stop it from shaking but I walked through the door with you, the air was cold but something about it felt like home somehow. I am so grateful for how welcoming you and your family were to me.
I remember the photo album on the counter, how your cheeks were turning red. You used to be a little kid with glasses in an oversized school uniform. Your mother was telling stories about you on the gaelic team and her face lit up with pride. Every time I sat in your room my eyes would wander to the shelves that were filled when trophies you won for dancing. I always felt proud of you too.
I remember when I couldn’t sleep and I tip-toed to the kitchen trying hard not to wake you but as I poured a glass of milk you wrapped your arms around me from behind which terrified me. You calmed my nerves by kissing my neck, sending shivers down my spine. You pressed play on our favourite song and let the music echo around the empty apartment. Then we slow danced around the kitchen in the faint glow of the light from the fridge. You giggled each time I accidentally stood on your toes but never complained. That’s the night I fell for you. From then on I was completely infatuated by you.
I remember those plaid shirt days when I play your guitar for only you to hear, a faint pink colour would caress your cheeks as I sang a song I wrote for you. There were never enough words to describe how much you meant to me. No music award will ever live up to the way you’d gently kiss me and tell me you love the song. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to put how perfect you are into words.
I remember how you’d glare at me when I woke you up on a Sunday even though you were never a morning person. All those hours I spent on trains to Tipperary. You weren’t lying when you said it was a long way there. I wished I could spend every moment with you.
I remember how I’d flirt with other guys to make you jealous. I need you to know that it was only ever to make you jealous. I promise. I was never interested in any of them. I just wanted to see your reaction, I needed to know that you loved me enough to worry about losing me. It was stupid. I know now how much I hurt you by that and I’m eternally sorry. I wish I had put you first.
I remember how I’d make fun of you on front of the lads. You were normally the punch line of my joke and I often didn’t consider your feelings. I never meant to hurt you, it was only ever a bit of craic and I realise now that it wasn’t funny to see you hurt by my words when I’m the one who expected you to love me.
I remember the time we were singing along to that album that you loved in the car and got lost on a narrow country road. How the autumn leaves fell down to blanket the ground. With the music blaring through the car’s speakers, that useless old map and your hand’s warm grip on mine. I was never afraid when you were by my side.
I remember the little town streets and your favourite cafe end of the road. We’d sit in the corner by the window and watch the rain pour down on a typical Irish summers day. You hated how the rain flattened your hair and blush when I told you it was cute. There was an old couple who sat near us, their skin wrinkled and their hair greyed but the way they looked at each other you could see their love was as young as the day they met. I always thought we’d be like them. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you beside me being the reason behind my smile.
And I know its long gone and there’s nothing else I can do but I can’t forget you. I swear if I was to be with you again I’d love you right but its better off this way. You deserve somebody better than me.
There were plenty of things you did to put up with me, to keep me happy, to love me, and there are plenty of things I regret. I regret taking you for granted, not bringing you flowers often, not telling you I love you enough, for not being there when you needed me most. I bet you think I moved on or hate you but has it ever occured to you that I can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye.
And I hope you know that I still love you even if you don’t love me back because I have all these memories that we shared engraved on me like my deepest scare because I remember it all too well.
Cian
