I'm Sorry

Everything about me has always been fake. The smiles, the laughs, the good moods. None of it is real. Its all just a facade. 

No one knows the real me.
And they never will.
Just how I want it.

I was brought into this world alone, I had lived it alone, and I will go out. Alone. 

School today has been worse than usual, missing assignments beginning to catch up with me, exams just around the corner, the stupid teachers giving me shit for feeling this way! 

God! 

Why don't they understand?

"You're only 17, you don't understand real pain" that's what they say. 

Yes, I'm 17. Yes I'm still seen as a child. But this pain. It's too much, too real. Having to pretend to be someone I'm not is just exhausting. 

I'm done. 

I can't do it anymore. 

I refuse. 

It took me 23 minutes to walk home. That was a full 23 minutes, alone (surprise, surprise) with my thoughts. 

'You should just end it" 

"You're useless" 

"Why do you even bother" 

"Just kill yourself" 

It's as if there was a broken record player in my brain. Those thoughts constantly replaying themselves. 

In truth, I've been a coward. I have tried to end it all once before, using pills.
How stupid.
That obviously wouldn't work.
I just threw them back up and no one knew anything of it. Thought I just came down with a stomach bug.
How stupid. 

But this time. This time will be it. 

Once I entered my house, I notice that my parents are out, they must be on night shift. 

This is my chance. 

Walking into my room, I dump my school bag beside my bed, and slouch into my desk chair. 

Ontop of my desk, lies a horrible old, crusty notebook with little scribbles all over it.
Hm, I forgot I had that.
Oh well, I don't need it anymore.

I pick it up, ready to throw it into some forgotten drawer, or at this point  even the bin.
Doesn't matter either way.

I realise:
I can't go out with no explanation, or goodbye. 

And so, i set the notebook back down, turn it to an empty, yellowing page and
I began to write. 

"Dear mom and dad,

I understand that this has come as a shock, your own stupid son killing himself. You must think so low of me. 

No matter, its over now. 

I'm sorry. I am so so sorry. I have no idea what you are going to go through now, because of me. But please, understand that I was not meant to be here. This was all a mistake. I was a mistake. The world doesn't need me. I understand that. 

Please forgive me. You are the only people that has ever tried to accepted me for who I am and try to understand me. Although you never could, you still tried, and that means.. something.
I am sorry it wasn't enough, I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I put you through all of that for me to just be a coward and kill myself.