Hopelessly, Desperately, Madly Falling

Rambling

Why am I up at two A.M. thinking about you? Why am I propping my head up with my elbows despite my clearly droopy eyes and lack of sleep, despite my bad breath and tests tomorrow, despite the fact that you're not up with me? Why am I so hopelessly falling for you and your ridiculous obsession with your hair and your dorky expressions and the way your eyes get all serious when you ask me if I'm okay? Why do I constantly think about your bracey grin and your grass-colored eyes and the warmth of your hands on mine? Why does your face never leave my mind, not even at two A.M.? Why am I so desperately needing you to be next to me, to match your breath in sync with mine, to prop your head above mine, to squeeze my hand just to make sure I'm still there with you, to press your cheeks into my shoulder, to feel your heartbeat thunder as loud as mine with every sudden move I make?

I need you. And now, at two A.M., I realize it more than ever. And yet, whenever I have you, I feel confused and dazed and not the slightest bit like myself. I feel uptight, like I have a huge knot in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I feel so strange whenever I am with you, it's unlike any other crush or relationship I've had before. Whereas in the past they were always just flings, this time, I feel like I could love you. And, I know I don't right now, but, at the same time, I know that I could. I know that I want to. I know that I want to get to know every callus on your hands, I know that I want to get to know every freckle on your face, I know that I want to get to know the familiar, hopeful look you get every time you talk about something that makes you happy. I want to know you. I want to know everything about you and I want you to know everything about me. I want you to know that my favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate fudge brownie, I want you to know that I'm even more insecure than usual when I'm with you, but, at the same time, have never felt so safe. I want you to know that when I see you all the things I want to say just disappear. I want you to know that I want you so ridiculously much that I cannot even put it into words. I don't have the vocabulary capacity to define how I feel about you, even with a dictionary in my trembling hands.

I am so hopelessly, desperately, madly falling for you. I don't even know what to do with myself. I can never eat, I can never sleep, I can never talk. Sometimes I can't even look you in the eyes. It's awful, feeling this way about someone. One part of me hates it. Hates the fact that I'm too insecure to just go after you, hates the fact that I turn my head down whenever you try to talk to me, hates the fact that I can't hold a true conversation with you alone where I am truly myself. Despite all of this, I know.

I know that I am falling for you. Hard. And, here I am at two A.M, hoping that you're falling for me too.