[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[88.] The velvet darkness.

Note:

Inspiration for the chapter's title:

Theatre of Tragedy - "Velvet Darkness They Fear"

****

It was another sleepless night for Jiang Wanyin. He had dozed off, exhausted by their lovemaking, but soon enough he almost jumped in the bed, startled by a dream he could not remember. 

His heart was so heavy that he had the distinct feeling that it had stopped beating in his chest, like a ball of lead that had dropped to the bottom of the ocean; it felt like he wasn't breathing either  –  as if his lungs were gone, burned to ashes. Still, he somehow felt serene, safe in his lover's arms. He wasn't worried, not really, or rather  –  he was worried that his husband was worrying. Lan Wangji's letter did not surprise him, he knew his family too well.

His head was resting on Lan Xichen's chest, and he was listening to his calm and strong heartbeat, his even breathing. It all felt like a dream to him  –  the fact that he was here, now, lying next to the most beautiful, the best man in the world. He was caressing his skin very carefully, as not to wake him up, letting the rhythmical thumps of the dear heart lull his mind into emptiness.

***

The hours passed, it was the darkest part of the night; there was no moon, and all the candles in the room were out. 

He could not see, but he felt and knew all the shapes and forms too well. Lan Xichen's arms were around him, keeping him safe even in his sleep, but he was shivering, missing him. He vaguely wondered how he could be missing him when he was so close to him, but it was a strong feeling, a distinct feeling that was too real. His heart was so torn  –  he wanted to let him sleep and rest, and yet he craved to wake him up and be with him, so that the missing, the heartache, the loneliness would be over.

It was too much. His love was too much. His emptiness was too much. He tried to escape the embrace as he started shaking too much, he wanted his husband to sleep. The movement woke Lan Huan up, and he instinctively pulled him back into his arms, holding him very tight. He could feel that he was shaking and he knew that he was upset, but said nothing. It broke his heart every time when Jiang Cheng chose to lock all his anguish inside and hide from him, run away from him. 

He caressed his hair and kissed his nape, trying to calm him down, pressing him to his body for warmth. They could not see each other, but they felt each other absolutely.

Sandu Shengshou stirred and turned into the embrace, needing to be closer. He reached up, and his fingers found Lan Huan's lips, caressing them.

- I love you so much that my heart is breaking. It turns out my heart was not created big enough for it.  –  he whispered. –  And now, my love grows here...  -  he took his husband's hand and placed the warm palm on his belly.  –  Huan, it grows, it has a heartbeat, it breathes. I am not empty any more, I am not useless any more.

Zewu-Jun leaned in and kissed his forehead, listening.

- I can't lose you. It will mean losing myself.  -  Jiang Cheng said coarsely. –  You are my life now.

They stayed like that, entwined, until the first rays of the dawn started coloring the dark silhouettes of the frozen bamboo stalks outside the Hánshì's windows.

- Do you know, Wanyin...  -  Lan Xichen started in a husky voice.  –  Did you know that you saved my life?

Jiang Wanyin hid his face in his husband's clothes, breathing him in, silent and attentive.

- All my meaning was gone. All my hope was lost. Life was happening around me, and I was just letting it. Other people were making my decisions for me, it was easier that way. Nothing impressed me, nothing moved me; my brain had shut down and I was going with the flow, I was wasting my days.

He sighed deeply, pressing Jiang Wanyin closer to himself, needing to feel him closer.

- And then the Gods sent you to me, like a small bird, perching outside my window, patiently waiting for me to notice it, beautiful and fragile. And then you showed me your softness, and your fire. You made my heart beat again. You became my hope. A new life. A better life.

He pulled him up a little, and left him breathless when their mouths merged. Jiang Cheng wrapped himself around his lover, his arms and legs locking him to his body, and he felt his face wet, realizing that Zewu-Jun was crying. 

The kiss went on, slow and deep, and they held each other close, breathing together, their hearts beating together, and they were no longer missing each other.