Dancing with Tears In My Eyes

Aro

The months that followed his words were utter hell. I was haunted by the constant thought of his dishing out more and more abuse to me. I was terrified of being on my own in college, because Mr. Brightside had a habit of showing up where he knew I was meant to be for lessons. Every time I had to pass him the corridor, the memory of what he had said to me flared up inside my head, and I would have to run to the bathroom and be violently sick. I stopped eating food, hoping that it would stop me from throwing up, but the reflex was still there. I spent a lot of time crying, both at college and at home. I was distant and withdrawn from everyone, fearing that something like that would happen again. I was afraid to go into college, and this resulted in many panic attacks both inside college and outside.

My life was falling apart.

I did actually think about cutting my wrist. Not in the sense that I wanted to die, but I knew that if I had actually done as he had told me to, more people would have believed me. I had a feeling that he was going to play the system, so there was no reason why I could not have done the same

The Dragon Lady spoke to me about it once. I had told my Early Intervention Support Worker about it, and she had reported it to the Dragon Lady during their support meeting.

Nobody told me what had been decided during that meeting.

I was still very much in the dark about it all.

The Dragon Lady pulled me out of my English Language lesson to go through some of it. My English teacher knew that she was coming to pull me out of the lesson for a bit, but didn't tell me. I slightly resented that fact, because I would have liked to have known. After all, I would have liked to have been able to prepare for the tongue lashing that was coming my way.

Even so, no amount of preparation could have prepared me for the immense tongue lashing that I got from her.

She started out her little talk in the corridor, but then insisted that I had to go to her office to continue it. She said that she thought it would have been best if my form was changed. she didn't think that Mr. Brightside was capable enough to handle someone like me. I asked why. She said it was because he wasn't experienced enough and was very naïve. She spoke about him as if he were a young child, five instead of twenty five. She then said that she was going to move my form to My Fair Lady (again). I laughed. My Fair Lady had absolutely no hope of ever having a grip on me. I knew that my inner thoughts and separate personality would not allow it. She said that there was a hierarchy there, like at cadets, which had to be followed. I pointed out to her that here, unlike cadets, you couldn't be arrested and court martialled for not following orders.

I protested to the Dragon Lady. She went from being all nice about it, to suddenly shouting at me in a split second. I didn't quite know what I had done. it surprised me. She said that she had heard about my "complaint" and that Mr. Brightside had been a model student when he was there as a teenager, and that he was now an exemplary member of staff, and that the college would rather take the word of someone like him over a "mental delinquent" like me. I didn't understand how she could say something like that that was harsh and unforgiving. the Dragon Lady then screamed at me to get out of her office.

I left her office, only too pleased to do so. Part of me smiled inwardly, because I knew I had been right about him playing the system. Part of me was filled with horror at the thought of the fact he seemed to have got away with it. Part of me in shock. My English teacher asked me if everything was alright when I got back to the lesson. Some of the students said that I was chalk white. I was complete shock. my brain had turned to jelly and refused to function as I needed it to. All it would do is replay the memories of Mr. Brightside, and now of the Dragon Lady.

There was a second meeting that followed. She came back for me after the lesson had ended. This time, she knew she wasn't going to get her own way, so she took a green form from the filing cabinet in front of her desk, and wrote my name on it. She asked me if I knew what it was. I said that I didn't. She said that it was the form that she would sign to have me kicked out of the college. All it would take is one signature from her. She told me that if she had way, that the green form would be signed off before the exams in May, and that I would never complete my A-Levels. She then rang my mum, and told her that she had to come and pick me up, because I was in a right state. She conveniently left out the fact that she was the one that put me into that state. My mum came and picked me up from the Sainsbury's car park. The Dragon Lady insisted that she was going to walk me there. It felt as if she didn't trust me to walk the few metres there by myself. Or she was trying to control me, or the thoughts of others: put my mu off the scent so that she could cover up the way she had blackmailed me.

In the end, there was yet another meeting, and I was forcibly put into her the Dragon Lady's form. My mother was meant to be there as a character witness, but she instead on getting involved when asked a question. I felt let down,. because my mum had promised  not to say a word. It was a condition of myself and my Early Intervention Worker letting her in on the meeting.

Meanwhile,. the sickness and the panic attacks worsened. I kept them hidden from everyone, trying to make it out like it hadn't got to me, and that it wasn't destroying me inside. The weight dropped off me. The scales I used showed that within eight weeks, I had lost two stone. I weighed only a tiny five and a half stone.

My mind was numb.

My heart was dead.