Dancing with Tears In My Eyes

Vale Adam- One Year On

Today marks the first anniversary of the day Adam Wright destroyed my life, and the start of a year of hell. Below is a letter I have written for him, that at some point I will post. I need the closure, I need to move on. I need to say goodbye.

Dear Adam,

It feel so strange to sweep my hand across this paper as I write, knowing that it's been many months since I could last move this hand. You never really learn to appreciate something until it's not there anymore.

I wanted to say thank you for all of the help you have given me. I was so far from who I was, from who I loved, from who I wanted to be. I was so far from all of my dreams, far from knowing what everything meant to me, far from knowing myself. I was so far from home, standing out all on my own...I think at times I was asking for too much just to be alive. I was so far from being free, from the past that haunts me, the very thing that made the future something I just couldn't touch. 

You helped to pull me out of the dark and show me there was hope again, even then when there was nothing left to fight for, and i thought everything else would just give up on me. I wanted to be in a better place where I would have no secrets left to hide, and I would be sheltered from the pain. I thought I would never find it, but you listened to me and you listened to me at a time when I needed it the most. I am so grateful to you for that, because without it I know I would have died. I don't think you will ever truly know, because I can't find the right words to say it. 

I wanted to say that I was sorry. I'm sorry for being such a pain and such a liability. I hope that you understand that there are just some things that I couldn't face doing at certain points. I'm sorry for not trying hard enough to fight what I couldn't face. I'm sorry if I upset or hurt you, I'm sorry for being so difficult, I'm sorry if I said anything to hurt or upset you. I look back now and I try so hard to just remember, but I honestly really don't know. The thought of that terrifies me. There was just so much going on at the time,that it made my head hurt and made me doubt myself, made me wonder if I was even fit to be alive. I was in just so much internal pain that it was an agonising state where that was all I could ever see- a long time of not being able to eat and of drowning in my own tears, while dreaming of a memory of a life gone by.

I'm sorry for not trying hard enough, even though I know you tried to help. I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you that I would never self harm. I made the promise in vain, already broken because I was already cutting and I hid it from you even though I knew I shouldn't really. Im sorry for letting it get so bad that I gave up and did all I could to let go. Im sorry that I cut my wrist so badly that I almost died. I'm sorry for being such a fuck up. I hope you accept this apology list, even though if I were you, I wouldn't. I can't even forgive myself. But it makes me feel better to say it, if nothing else at all. I feel so guilty for making a mess of everything.

I don't know why I chose to write to you. You're not family, but you are important to me. I think it's because It seems likely that I'll outlive the real family I have sooner rather than later, and my immediate family want nothing more to do with me because me getting sick wasn't there in the plan of control they had for my life that I had to stick to. I knew it was coming, and that was why I wanted so badly for my parents never to know. I don't blame you for it. It wasn't you that made that decision. I wrote to you to say goodbye, because I never had the chance to say it to you in person. I want you to know that I will always remember you compassion and the time you gave me when no one else would. I will always remember how you could make me smile even when I was lost in the darkest of days. I will always remember how you helped to save me from myself.

Just remember that you taught me that no matter how dark things get, how bleak things seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

If you have received this letter, then it means one of three things: I'm gone (and when I say 'gone' I mean that my silent stars have passed by), I've been injured, or someone somewhere just felt the time was right for this letter to be passed on. No matter which one it is, don't think too harshly of me for it. Perhaps it's just the right time to let go, to move on, to begin again. I don't know...it's a future I just can't touch from where I'm writing this. I have no secrets left to hide. Just know that I will always remember the help you gave me, and remember to take my love with you, always.

Goodbye.

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🌜We're all stories in the end...

                                                   Life depends on change and renewal...🌛

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