Berdly

Berdly's Suicide

Listen to this in Headphones for Best Experience

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT_Mx-w9nbE

Berdly sat at his desk, a melancholic expression fuzzed his face.  He stared down at his paper. He felt nothing gazing at his math. He felt nothing taking a turn to look up at Noelle. Nothing. That was all he ever felt. Ever since that dark day he had come to the conclusion that Noelle was the true Mathematician. She was better than him. And he could never compare to her in anything. The truth bubbled against him like lava. Burning every ounce of his soul. The pain of knowing that he'd never be enough started to turn Physical. Headaches and Heartache had become a common occurrence  for him. He snapped out of his trance, finally getting to his work. Usually he'd be on top of it, getting every question right, though that was just because Noelle helped him. Though inside he knew that he shouldn't of taken away any more of her glory. Berdly felt so greedy and useless. The pencil between his hands snapped. He looked upwards alarmed, A few people lifted their heads to look at him. He offered his best laugh, it was pathetic at best before quickly looking back down to ignore the burning gazes. The sweater Berdly had been wearing rubbed uncomfortably against his wrists. Knowing that if he pulled the sweater up any farther *It* would be revealed. A truth to be kept to him and him only. Before he could realize what was going on, a loud ringing could be heard. It was the bell. Disheveled he quickly looked up at the clock. It was time to leave. How could he have been so naive? Spacing out all period like that. Such a disgrace. His work wasn't completed. Stupid. Stupid. He though to himself before sloppily getting up, leaving his paper and broken pencil on the desk. Walking just a bit faster so Alphys couldn't question his unruly behavior.  He stepped outside, the sun was bright and the outdoors were beautiful, crisp air and finely grown fern trees. But Berdly knew that this would be something he'd soon no longer be able to see, something he'd be able to experience no longer. He decided to take in this sight one more time,  taking in every detail he could. The flowers seemed wilted today 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘄. Berdly started his distanced walk home. Attempting to straighten his posture to appear more high and mighty, though this facade fell. Now slouching at the thought that his single mother would be out late at work tonight. She had to work hard to keep the house for the both of them. But soon she'd only have to keep the house for herself.  Berdly started to sweat, it was hot outside and he was wearing a sweater but there was no fucking way he would take it off, revealing the markings, the scars created by his own pathetic hands. The battles he knew he had lost to.  The bags underneath his eyes were prominent. He could feel the sweat on every crevice on his disgusting body. He continued to walk forward. Staring out at the busy roads. There was a temptation, all he wanted to do was jump forward into the bustling road, though that was too messy for him. He took another step forward as he reached a crosswalk. Pressing the button with a push that lacked effort to say the least, just like everything else in his miserable, unworthy life. The crosswalk flickered from red to white, allowing him to walk across. He stared at his feet as he did so. Just a couple more blocks to his house, a couple more blocks to end everything.  A distant voice called out from behind him "Berdly! Hey wait up!" It was a soft voice, gentle, sweet, and very out of breath. He recognized quickly. Noelle was running to catch up to him. Shit. Why now? Your just making this more difficult. He hissed underneath his breath as Noelle, now standing in front of him was panting. "Aha! Hey Berdly!" She managed to say between long breaths. Noelle took a moment to catch herself before talking again. "So uhm- you okay? We usually study and catch up on work after school. I-If you don't want too that's cool! I.. I understand." Noelle looked down. With a sad expression on her face. Noelle was so keen to help people. Which is why Berdly understood just how scummy he was compared to her. He was abusing her kindness. Keen to keep his egotistical and regular persona he mustered out a casual reply. "Oh.. right. Im smart enough for today Noelle thank you. Your puny teaching couldn't tell me anymore that what I already know." He waved his hand back and forth towards Noelle in a shooing motion. She simply gave a closed eye smile, nodded, and now in reply "Of course Berdly, Well u-uhm have a good day! See you tomorrow." She turned and walked away. Those words made his heart sting. She wouldn't see him tomorrow. Nobody would. Hell he wouldn't even get to enjoy the rest of his day.  It didn't matter now. He briskly turned around and continued to walk home. Tears forming in his eyes as he quickly wiped them away. Stuffing his hands in his pockets in somewhat of a speed walk. Desperate to get home. And now, he was there. Standing in front of his house. It appeared to be one story on the outside, but it had a reasonable sized basement, it was a shade of dull blue.  Despite its small stature this house was daunting to him, he let out a gulp, swallowing any spit that was attempting to crawl out of his throat. He slowly walked inside, his heart rushing quickly. Should he really be doing this? What would the others think? Noelle, Kris, Susie. They'd probably laugh at the thought of Berdly feeling such strong emotions.It was obvious they wouldn't care, they'd be over rushed with joy to see him gone. Now wasn't the time to think about this. He rushed inside. Shoving his backpack to the ground and removing his shoes. No time to waste as he ran into the bathroom, almost slipping against his hardwood tile floors. Eager to end his life. The overwhelming depressing feeling was tugging at his heart and his chest. He scrambled around the bathroom drawers. Pulling one open in a rush, They had a small cabinet conveniently filled with trinkets such as Sticky notes and pens for putting notes on the mirrors. On the topic of this he looked upward, there was many small notes from his mother with encouraging words such as "Its still you, despite everything" Or "Your amazing, don't give up love." , he finally broke, the tears welling up in his eyes as he swiped his hand into the cabinet, quickly scribbling a note of his own, it wrote "To whoever is reading, I am not sorry for ending myself. I deserve this. I was arrogant, blinded by my "greatness" that I could not see, I was really just an arrogant prick that took everything for granted and everything for myself. I am sorry to Noelle for stealing her glory, and I am sorry to Kris for being nothing more than an annoyance. Im sorry that you had to know me and now im sorry that you had to leave me. It's not your fault and it never was. Obviously your probably laughing your ass off reading this. I only ever wanted everything for myself, Im sorry for being so greedy, Sincerely- Berdly" With this he stuck it to the counter and opened up the mirror, which had a cabinet filled with various medicines, Advil,Metformin, Hypnotics, among other things he didn't bother to read the labels of. Then crouching down, opening the cabinets below the sink which contained Bleach, Alcohol, Windex and other toxic liquids which weren't intended for digestion. He screwed open the lids of everything in front of him before shoving as many pills as possible into his mouth without an ounce of hesitation and washing it down with bleach, he did this a few times before he ran out of pills. Taking an extra sip of Windex he could already feel it kicking in, a strong urge to regurgitate ran through his throat, he knew better than to let this overcome him though and held it in. He couldn't breathe and his head was spinning. The world around him was blurry and unrecognizable. If anything more painful in his life happened to him before he didn't know of it. God he just wished he could die already. His head and fingers were turning a blueish purple, his temperature began to rise and drop, he couldn't describe the exact feeling but it was beyond painful. Hot and cold at the same time. His mouth began to foam as he slowly lowered himself to the floor. He felt sick and everything was sharp with pain. He felt like he was being stabbed in his gut by a dagger. His blinking became slow, each blink the pace was lower and lower before they didn't open again. His breathing stopped and his fingers curled slightly. Nothing changed about the world, it didn't stop spinning. People were still living their life. It was around 10:00 PM when Berdly's mom came home. She gently tapped off her shoes and placed her bag down. "Berdly, Im back!" She waited for a minute for a response, when that response didn't come a frown curled upon her face, she didn't think of the worst yet. Perhaps he just had his headphones in. Her bright son did enjoy gaming from time to time. The frown turned into a warm smile as she pictured later tonight enjoying dinner with her son at the table. She had spent what little money they had left from rent to buy enough ingredients for a special meal for her special little boy. It was his favorite. She walked up the small staircase and down the hall towards Berdly's room. She rapped her finger against the door three times. "Berdly, Hun' Im back from work." No response. She knew she shouldn't' of done this but she opened his door. It was empty. Her stomach dropped when she scanned the room and Berdly wasn't to be seen. She was running across the hallway to her room to get a phone when she stopped dead in her tracks. The bathroom door was shunned open. Berdly was there motionless, his lifeless body sprawled across the floor ungracefully. A hand rushed over her mouth, not even letting out a gasp. Her knees felt weak as they buckled beneath her and she fell to the floor. Sobbing uncontrollably. Her only son, the person that she cared for her whole life, he always managed to bring a smile to her face. He was always with her when it was needed. Taken away from her in a moments notice. How could she not have noticed? Was she that terrible of a mother? It was all her fault wasn't it.