Masterpiece

Prelude.

Today is the day. A day to free myself from the shackles of art, from the chains of affection and form the biggest mishappening of my life.
Ghalib once said
"ġham-e-hastī kā 'asad' kis se ho juz marg ilaaj
sham.a har rañg meñ jaltī hai sahar hote tak"

Ever feel trapped in your own body? Like you don't deserve to be here? Like everything around you is just all the things you didn't want to have? All the emotions resurfacing around you, all the connections and relativity around you, everything feels just wrong and unwanted for yourself. After all, you were never asked if you want to enter this world or not. That's where ghalib enters and tells me the solution. It's not pessimism, it's just a choice.

I see people around me who are much willing to be here and are actually doing everything in their best fortune to gain what it takes to be here, not to forget, happily but are the same. Just like me. They all are struggling with tons of blinding emotions without any guidelines issued by the master lord as to how a mere person who is already driven by sacks of all wrong desires and fears, must survive. "Survival of the fittest" is the theory but who are we competing after all? Ourselves only. And how is one supposed to win from oneself until one cannot disagree with oneself? See! It's alot more complicated than we think it is.

From all these years, the urge inside me to break the bondage has grown much stronger than my will to run off from this universe. It is unbelievable how I, as a normal person, can hold so much inside me and then relate them all with all those wierd emotions which come in combinations. It's unbelievable how I can love a person like it's in my blood to do and then hate the same with all my might like it's what I'm injecting my blood to do and then get the bloody blood infection severeing my mind and giving me wholesome heartache of loosing someone. What kind of psychologically biological combination is it?
That's exactly what makes me feel trapped and unwanted in my own body. In Geeta they say, you are nothing but a soul...a virtue which has the body given as a clothing to carry around but that clothing creates much more suffocation than the almighty claims, and all that part where the lord asks us to forget about the body and reach the soul is just cinematic because I don't think I can ever be able to get out of the blood infection in my brain and partial heartache severe than heart attacks, both of which cannot be diagnosed by any scan because it's all in the damn soul hurting my body. I'm sure no one understands it! Neither do it. It's a camouflage, this body and soul, mind and virtue thing. Nothing but a camouflage to never let you make your choice. But I have made mine.

Today is the day I was waiting for since past 20 years. Standing in the Modern Art Gallery, in front of a masterpiece of all time, I can finally understand why there are artists who wants to be free from art. No, I'm not the artist, I'm the art.